Thats not my name.

Tomorrow I turn twenty. Twenty years I've spent upon this the blessed earth and twenty years I've sought happiness and value. Happiness that consumes and enlightens me, and value that denotes my worth to those that care about me, and more importantly to those I care about. Let the two not be confused.

The pursuit of happiness is a difficult and obstacle laden road when your as self centred and arrogant as I have proved myself to be time and time again during the short time I've spent chasing it. Every time I get close, I can smell it, brush past it and almost seize it, but it slips away as unexpectedly as it arrived.

What started as a need for self affirmation derived from insecurity has evolved and morphed into an entirely darker side of my otherwise placid state of being. Need for self affirmation leads to an unquenchable thirst for attention, companionship and in particular admirers, regardless of how little you care for them. Admirers boost my sense of ego, my ego fuels my existence and forms a false substitute for the latter of my two goals in life, value. I call them false substitutes because more often than not I've gained them through lies, deceit and premeditated action.

I seek affirmation in every faucet of my life. It happens with my work, in needing to make sure everybody has to know when I've done something praiseworthy, It happens with my family, in having to be the best, or at least better than everyone else.

I catch myself talking down to my parents, as if I am wiser than they are. I catch myself and I feel disgusting because now more than ever I love my parents so very much. So much so that my eyes are welling up as I type this. Its taken me twenty years to realise the value of my god given parents and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They love me very much and I love them too, something I wish I told them more often.

When my own despicable actions caused the world around me to crumble, they were there for me with open arms in spite of what I had done, to comfort me and help me rebuild. I'll never forget the night I spent with tears screaming across my face, unable to move, function or think about anything other than the terrible things that I had done and the beautiful parts of my life that weren’t there anymore. I was shaking, alone, scared and tired. It got to around 6am and I called mum, I couldn't speak through the tears but hearing her voice and her compassion for me made things ok again. She told me that no matter what transgressions I face in my life her and dad would be there for me and would never turn their back. I wanted so badly to have her hold me and make me feel safe. I told her and dad that I loved them on that phone call, something I'd never done before, and something I'd never truly understood until that moment.

Back to admirers. They come and they go but they all serve the same purpose, they make me feel like I am worth something, and they make me feel attractive. From the age of 15 (my first pull) I went through a silly amount, quickly getting bored and moving onto the next, more often than not without telling the last one and just phasing them out or cutting them altogether. The thrill was in the chase not in the actually getting there. I had no physical or emotional attachment to any of them, I just thrived on knowing that they did. Call it masochistic but that’s how it was. That’s where I got my kicks. Singling somebody out, spend a couple weeks sweet talking them. pull them, maybe more, then move on. I grew up doing that.

Along came Charlotte. I fell in love with that girl the first day I met her. Even before I met her when I just cycled past her and tried to look cool. I fell hard. Id never had an emotional attachment to any girl before but she became my world, and she is to this day. We share something truly special that should have been treasured, and nurtured. Her family welcomed me and our lives became interwoven.

But of course, I'm an egotistical cunt. It wasn't good enough that the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with loved and cared for me with everything that she had. Not to mention the fact she was the hottest girl I had ever met. Of course it wasn't good enough and I had to find affirmation elsewhere. I didn't want to be with anybody else, i just wanted that kick, that feeling of worth and attractiveness. I've never thought Charlotte found me physically attractive. I think she thought I was cute, sweet, nice, but never sexually attractive. Its probable that your going to read this at some point Char but we both know its true. I'm not meaning for that to sound like an excuse for what I did though because it’s something I'd long accepted and was fine with.

The need for that kick wasn't conscious thought or premeditated, but it surfaced in the inability to say no, or end it.

Katie Orrock. If it hadn't been her it would have been somebody else, but the name is going to be etched into brain for the rest of my life as the girl that I let ruin what was perfect, and exploit my weaknesses. Her disgustingly whiney voice is going to be etched into my eardrums too.

She started as a poor substitute for Charlotte, quickly evolved into just a fuck, then evolved into my dirty secret. The lies start, the lies grow, the lies consume you, the lies get found out and your left with nothing, as is the life of the egotistical cunt. A cycle I've gone through far too many times.

The mistake I made was not telling Char about Katie in the first place, before we got back together. Because of that blipping of the truth I had to make sure that Katie never contacted Char or vice versa. I realised that when I got back with Char, katie would take issue and kick off if I told her, since I'd fed her a load of bullshit about really liking her and not liking Char anymore. It would blow the fact that it was lies and she was merely a substitute companion and now just a shag. And she'd tell Char.

In essence the lies lead to other lies and it all gets really confusing really quickly and it would have all been fine if I'd just been honest in the first place and not been a twat who needs to get his end away with somebody he cares very little about to feel worth something, regardless of his love for the girl that is his world and would give his left nut for.

What I did with katie was completely detached in my twisted mind to my relationship with my Charlotte. She was a seperate entity and a problem in itself, but nothing to do with Char, I just didn't make that connection. The few months that Char and I were together again were the most beautiful of my life. Her smile lit up my world and everything I did I did for her. I wish I had showed it more with texts and phone calls, but those few months were amazing. It was different to the time we'd spent with each other before in that we were older, and closer. Holding her made me feel a way I'd never felt before, and I noticed things that I love about her that I'd completely missed. While sex with Char was incredible it wasn't that that made me love her, it was the holding hands and the days out and the just staying in. It was admiration for her too. It was the knowing that I would grow old with her and be happy, that the rest of my life would be as joyous and beautiful as the times we were spending together then. Also she has got disgustingly fit.

I've blogged all of this before, or if I haven’t then I've put it in emails to certain people, but typing it now feels different. I feel like I'm recounting in retrospect rather than reliving it. Acceptance is a beautiful thing, and I found it in a police warning. I'd always told Char that if we were ever to break up I would fight for her. I fought hard and I put everything I had into showing her I'd learned and was ready to be perfect. I laid myself bare to the world and suffered pain I would never wish upon anyone. I fought the long fight, but when I was denied the right to fight, it had to end. Acceptance was forced upon me rather than embraced, but I've learned now that life goes on. The fight is now proving my words and promises to her to be true, and no longer is it vying for her approval.

I love my Charlotte very much, and will never forgive myself for the things that I have done to her. I know she is stronger than I am and she has picked herself up and become a better person for what has happened, in spite of the adversity she faced and the hurt that I caused her, but I hope that somewhere, no matter how feint, and even if she doesn’t know it, that she still holds a place for me in her heart.

I think about her every day, I wonder where she is and what she's doing. I wonder if shes happy. I imagine her smiling and then for a few seconds I smile too. Above all I miss my best friend.

I find inspiration in my pictures and memories that I surround myself with.

I still believe in the finality of fate, and I do believe that one day me and Char will be together again. But for now, acceptance and distance is my comfort. Patience is my virtue, and bettering myself is my task.

So tomorrow, twenty years from the day I was placed upon the Earth. Here, on the 16th of May 2008, I promise to nobody other than myself, that I will leave the ways I have lead my life behind me, and devote myself to being, true, honest, and loving to the people that mean the most to me. I promise to be happy in the things and friends god has seen fit to provide me with and not seek affirmation through lies and deceit. I want to earn happiness and love through being an honest man, not an attention seeking child.

Please Pascal, if for nobody else do it for her. I'll see you at forty.

x

I've completely come undone.

Boys don't cry.

my last entry and the last of me.

Thank you for everything you have done for me my love. You've shown me a life so beautiful it inspires me to be everything that you needed me to be. Thank you for being there for me whenever I've needed your love, and there for me when I just needed to smile, thank you for being the person I can think about when everything is too much, and know everything is going to be ok because you loved me too. I hope that I sometimes made you smile too.

I wish we could fix us, I still believe we can, it's Pascal and Char :), but I can't expect you to burden yourself with my inadequacies anymore and thats ok too.

I'm going to be perfect. x I love you always, you'll always be my guardian angel.



Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Back on home soil. I rang mam when I landed at heathrow because I hadn't told her what day I was coming back I don't think she was happy about being woken up at 8.25. I said that i wanted to come home until Thursday to which she responded "Don't bother, you're only wasting my time and yours".....charming. Anyway, 3 hour delay on the M1 we've only just arrived its just gone seven o clock. I'm very very tired!

A week later and here i am again, sat in the same spot on my bed, with my laptop on my chest, watching the same crappy tv shows. Joy of all joys. The difference today however is I've realised three truths in the last week. The inevitable self reflection in solitude away from everything has been both refreshing and condemning. While completely detatched from anything to do with anything, my mind would always wander back to my worries every few minutes, seconds.

Walking around New York (especially Brooklyn and Williamsburg) on my todd, I couldn't help but keep imagining how beautiful it would be to have Charlottes hand in mine, experiencing these wonderful things as much as I imagine she would. I found myself losing my grip on reality within dreamworlds where me and Char have the life we always imagined before all of this car crash of a mistake. I daydreamed whole scenarios and lives for us, even down to what kind of apartment we would live in and which jobs we'd take on before I caught myself dreaming and settled back into remorse.

She works with kids in a community project and I sell my illustrations from home, just enough to cover our rent and a humble bohemian lifestyle. We'd only live there for a year or so, to experience life somewhere else before we commit ourselves to our careers, and then one day our family together back home, or maybe we just go live somewhere else! who knows :)

Yeah, I creep myself out too but for those few special moments my heart is complete.

I heard something today that made me contemplate the validity of my plight before cementing it. It was a lady speaking on love vs. prenuptual contracts:

"when you close your eyes and try to imagine spending the rest of your life without that one person, and tears run down your face because the notion shakes every part of you, you don't need a prenup."

tears scream across my face every night and every morning. Obviously the part about a prenup is irrelevant but the statement of love is so true. Thats how I know I love Charlotte with everything I have to give. I don't deserve her, and I inevitably turn everything beautiful in my life to shit because I'm a self centred bastard, but by fuck do I love that girl.

Bigfronting.

I'm in the apple store adjacent to central park. I've spent the day on my own getting some last shreds of the big apple before we have to leave this afternoon. I left the hotel with 46 cents and I haven't spent any yet. Of course thats meant walking a good 35 blocks on an empty stomach seeing as I can afford neither the subway or food, but I'm in high spirits after yesterdays encounter. I had a little tear earlier when i woke up, but I'm ok now. Paddy asked what was wrong and I told him I had cramp...idiot.

I just ran into gay dave, he's just been into bloomingdales which is where i'm going next. He said he's had enough of shopping with girls. I've had enough of the abomination of culture that is Paddy, Ally, Ricky, Keith and the girls, so I guess we have something in common. Its nice to be on your own.

Today so far I'v e been to the ny public library, macy's, nba, prada, burberry, gucci, tiffany's, yves saint lauren, pucci, niketown, balenciaga and a few others I can't really remember. I'm off to central park after Bloomingdales seeing as I haven't been there yet.

Well, I've done vintage stores and explored the alternative scene all week, I guess I decided I should just be a tourist.

Goodbye NY.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Packing now, its 10.25 monday morning, we leave tonight. I have until 11 to have all my stuff cleared out of this room but lethargy consumes me. Leaving this room means commiting myself to another day of same old same fucking old. Different shops same name, same disgusting prices, same uncultured halfwits.

It reminds me of when I used to think I was ghetto, and there were strict guidelines as to what you could wear. It had to be certain brands, almost like a uniform. This is the same just under a different guise, and yet they look down on the common youth because their clothes cost 20 times as much. Halfwits, have some individuality.

Of course, now more than ever I can't really preach about individuality, I have neither a personality or a soul. Those words last night cut deeper than anything shes said to me so far, but I deserve it, and maybe its true.

For the record, Pascal in seventy years time, 'her' is Charlotte 'love of my fucking life' Sorensen, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, because maybe she's holding your hand while you read this....I hope so, God willing.

No time to blog now, will speak when I get home.

In the city that never sleeps.

Been in New York since yesterday night. (its a quarter past 7 in the evening on wednesday here). 8 hours on a coach, few hours at heathrow, 7 hours on a plane, 3 hour queue at JFK, another hour on a coach.

I'm supposed to be being cheered up by this?

Today me Ricky, Ally, Paddy and Keith spent the day tracking down a few shops that they seemed to be obsessed with finding. Big name rare designer wear, exclusive trainers etc etc. I'll pass on 85 dollar socks thanks. I bought two tshirts from a vintage thrift store I found in downtown Noho. They cost 12 dollars each and I'm well happy with them. One is from 1982 and the other is mid 70s.

Its funny though, that thousands of miles away from home, and every distraction that New York has to offer, and all I can think about bar a few seconds every now and again is when I can come back to the hotel and spend my time alone, with you, my outlet. Everything is still her. Every face, every word, every picture, every song. I love her so much, I'm starting to doubt my sanity. It must be impossible to be in sound mind and hurt so much for somebody, and to obsess over them in the way that I am.

The others are downstairs in the lobby on the computers working out a route for tommorow to get to some store opening. None of them brought their laptops with them so they're paying 5 dollars an hour. Idiots.

New York is amazing though, and I'm pretty sure I want to do my year abroad here. I can see myself living here and people aren't nearly as mean as tv has made out. Charlotte would love it here I keep seeing things that I wish I could show her and we could share! I'm thinking about buying her a present, but I don't know if that will do more harm than good... I don't want a repeat of my attempted drop off last week.

I'm off to finish some sketches. Speak soon.

You only get one life, Pascal.

Sleepless night, of all nights. I need to stop loving her.

I'm instigating my own demise every second that I obsess.

Lessons in two hours.

Train wreck.

I just wanted a nice goodbye char. I just wanted you to tell me that you wanted me to succeed.

I just wanted you to want me to be happy too, I trusted in your empathy.

I needed it to make a start.

What start can I make now.

Emotional blackmail? What a fucking joke. You don't understand.

Gin and milk.

Packing is done for tomorrow, just need to put the last things in at the last minute, toothbrush/razor etc. Got my passport and wallet laid out on my desk ready.

Looking at my trolley and everything its pulsing through my mind that I don't want to go. Its going to be awful. The very last thing I can imagine wanting to do right now in my life is being out of the country for a week. , especially with people that barely acknowledge my existence. I'm trying so fucking hard with them is it that hard to not dick on me for 5 minutes. On top of everything I only have 150 quid to last me the 6 days, around 300 dollars. Everybody else is bringing close to a grand. Its because this bastard bursary didn't come through yet, I went and talked to the people this week and they said there was a problem with mine so I won't get it till the 7th. Fuckload of use it is then isn't it lady, after having watched everybody else spend theirs. Fucks sake.

I sent char an email asking her to call me before I leave. I hope she isnt offended by it or gets angry about it. I just really want to speak to her before I go. Its hard enough not speaking to her while I'm here, but going out of the country I just want to hear her voice before I leave, God forbid anythign happen to me.

I've also just doen a massive tidy up of my room. It is brand spanking. I could eat my dinner off the floor (if I had any dinner that is). I figure its always really depressing when I've been away from Newcastle and I come back to a horrible looking room. Messy house, messy life, as the saying goes. When I come back I want to be completely focused on achieveing all the goals I've set myself without obstruction. I watched Run Fatboy Run last night and the lien that stuck with me was Simon Pegg speaking to his son:

"When you meet problems in life son, no matter how hard they are, you don't just run away from them, because while it might make you feel better, your not actually helping anything. No matter how hard the problem is you stick at it and you commit yourself to solving it. There's always a solution."

My problem is how fucked up I've become in the last year and what it cost me, and the solution...well I don't know what that is yet but I'm trying.

A year since char and I broke up. Mothers day 2007. What an awful day. It pales in comparison to the pain I've suffered since though. all my own doing of course. What a prat I am.

Reflecting on the last year is tough, twice I've felt the lowest I've ever felt. You can't explain to somebody the feeling of helplessness that consumes your mind as you contemplate taking your own life unless they've felt it too. I never want to be there again.

Songs of frustration.

I've lost it. I just smashed the neck of my les paul over my bedside table. Thats a 400 pound guitar that I've just obliterated.

Because I couldnt find the picture.

I've found it now it'd slipped down the side of my matress.

Whats happening to me.

I need vodka. I'm shaking like fuck , out of breath and my face is tearstained.

If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden thats bursting into life.

Songs of freedom.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Today I had a bad turn. A very bad turn. I want to go home.

I don't know how much I have left to give. I miss her so much. It cripples me. It screams through my veins and in my eyes. Every second of every minute I crave her voice, and her touch. Please God, bring my charlotte back to me? I won't let you down.

Conjure up some power, and fuck with their minds.

SOMETIMES I WANT TO RIP MY OWN EYES OUT JUST SO I DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT MYSELF ANYMORE.

I got out of bed just to blog that. Going back to sleep now.

Revelations.

Today has been really unproductive. My mood has been erratic.

I overslept because I left the headphones plugged into my laptop so I missed pattern cutting and my counselling appointment. I woke up naturally at 1pm and knew there was something wrong because there was light outside the window. I laid in bed and contemplated my situation for around half an hour but my thoughts inevitably turned to my love, hundreds of miles from where I am but right next to me in my mind. Its been days since we spoke last and i miss her so much. Its hard to concentrate on achieving positive goals when the reason behind them isn't there focusing my mind. Up until now it has been the little picture in her facebook but now that has gone I have nothing but a question mark and a name mocking me and spitting on my dreams.

I got up and made the mistake of succumbing to my curiosity and turning on my skype phone. Mistake. The wallpaper made me cry. I had forgotten about these pictures, taken when we got our phones. We had just had a chat and I was so desperate to make things work. I had promised myself that night again that I would never see katie again, but obviously I lost sight pretty quickly. We were so full of hope that night. The phones were an attempt in my mind to make sure of my promises, an act of commitment.

A few tears and the contents of my stomach were the extent of that low. Its become routine now. At least theres structure within the madness.

I spent the next hour trying to write a song called One-oh-Nine. Its a cool sounding song, pokes fun at the Coydon yoof. It cheered me up somewhat singing it. Ive found in the last few days that writing songs that aren't about her provide an escapism to the realities of my pain. Temporary of course, because the next reminder is only a few hours, minutes, seconds away.

It came in the form of turning on my ipod, which hasn't been used in over a year. The photo album. The Charlotte folder. Happy days. What I wouldnt do to go back to talk to myself a year ago today, to have a quiet word with the naiive Pascal and order him to hold onto the most beautiful thing in his life, for tomorrow, she won't be there anymore. I'd tell him that I've seen the other side, and i wouldn't wish it on him nor anybody else in the world. I had much to learn.

Tomorrow, mothers day, it will be a year.

The ipod brought me joy aswell as sadness however, i found a few songs that I'd forgotten all about, that have brought me happiness when I've felt down before. Kaya - Chante L'Amour, Jalsa - Joli Ti Dimoune, Blakkayo - L'Apparence. God what I'd do to be in mauritius right now and forget about my pathetic existence.

I got a note under my door a few hours ago from megan. It was an apology for the way she and the others have been to me over the past month. She wants to start afresh. I don't care about that, what I do care about was taht in the letter she'd put that the reason people were being cold to me was because I'd apparently lied about my cheque bouncing for the rent. I swiftly went and blutacked my eviction notice and letter from quay point demanding recooperation of funds to her door.

I got a note back 5 minutes later that said. OMG WE ARE SO SO SO SO SO SORRY.

Doesnt give me back a month of my life you guys made a million times worse does it. cunts.

let me kiss her one last time.

I could never end my life, as much as I've wanted to at various times in my existence. The guilt stops me. I don't want to cause pain to others with my actions. If it was without repurcussion, I think I'd rather not live than keep living.

I keep catching myself wanting for accidents to happen to me, so it wouldnt be my fault, and I'd be free of guilt. If it was to happen I wouldn't want to wake up. The cowards way out is really appealing.

Similarly I find myself thinking that if emma was dying i wouldnt help her.

This has been a dark blog. La vie seule sans elle me tue. Chaque jour est plus insupportable que le dernier.

L'intérieur, je suis mort déjà.

What hope is there when I don't even exist.

Breathing deeply, walking backwards.

I really don't think anybody noticed I've been missing for a week. I'm sitting in the lesson now and nobody has said anything to me about it yet. I'm jealous of everybody in the room.

This is still stinging:

RE: ‏
From:	kylie woods (kyli121@hotmail.com)
Sent:	27 February 2008 09:07:14
To:	Pascal Froget (pazmataz@hotmail.com)

Mistakes yes, betraying someone and abusing trust isn't acceptable. If you love her like you say you do you'll let her go, you can't make her happy Pascal...

So this is goodbye. Just leave her alone now she doesn't deserve to be dragged into your problems.

Just to let you know the whole time Char was sure you weren't being faithful i told her you wouldn't do anything like that to her. You had us all believing you really loved her, you've done enough lying so stop claiming you love her because if you did you wouldn't have hurt her like you did.

Take care.

---

From: pazmataz@hotmail.com
To: kyli121@hotmail.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:33:02 +0000

I do love her. Very very much.

Everybody makes mistakes kylie, even you.

Tell Char I miss her x

---

From: kyli121@hotmail.com
To: pazmataz@hotmail.com
Subject:
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:05:38 +0000


Char said to you to change your password and then leave her alone but you haven't... so she got me to do it just like she said she would.

I've changed it to ********.

Pascal you fucked it up in the worst way possible and Char really won't ever want you back so just leave her to find a guy who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated and even if you think you love her you really don't because if you did you would have kept your hands to yourself.

This is her completely erasing you from her life which you didn't deserve to be in in the first place so please just accept this and let go.

Mourning is mocking me.

I've just got my scales back from Megan. I have lost 2 stone in 4 and a half weeks.

I've not been 8 stone 2 since... well we all know when.

I look ill and run down but I don't think I look skinnier. What a fuck up. What an absolute fuck up.

Eating every couple of days then throwing up every few hours in between because something made me feel sick. I need to sort this. Now.

Just finished a song called Walk Away it sounds good. Lally is right about me writing dozens of songs about regret and loss and love once enjoyed. Its making things worse.

I saw Paddy in the design centre when I was scanning my book in and had to explain what it was. I think he was really confused by it but whatever, its my own thing and nobody elses.

The ring from my finger slips to the ground.

Today I throw my book away. Here are the parts I want to remember, the ones I don't are sitting in my bin.

The man sings about romance.

Laura Marling is really floating my boat. I just realised her album came out this week. She has a poetic innocence about her I've never heard before. Kate Nash without the mockney and puns. Eva Cassidy of South London.



I heart her a lot. If music could reflect life then she would be my soundtrack.

Char would love her too.

Fuck.

She's properly blocked me on facebook.

I only wanted one picture, do I not deserve that for the sake of my sanity?

She doesn't even exist now, just a figment of my imagination that my life happens to revolves around.

I so badly want to email her and beg her to unblock me, just so I can see the little picture, but I need to be strong now. In Kylie's words:

'This is her completely erasing you from her life which you didn't deserve to be in in the first place so please just accept this and let go.'

I can't let go, but I need to be strong and walk away. I love her and this is what she needs.

I just want the pain to stop. It doesn't ease, it just grows more crippling every day. I really needed that little picture, I fall asleep looking at it and wake up with it still there. Its the only link that feels current. Pascal your such a fuck up what the fuck is wrong with you look at what you've done.

Look at what you've done.

Armrests. A war of Inadequacy.

I'm currently sat on the left hand side window of the 8th row of seats aboard the 1630 M20 From London to Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, arriving supposedly at 2310. The time is now 1708. Everything substandard I've failed to notice about megabus screams at me now, having experienced the luxuries of long distance train travel. I crave an internet connection, and an armrest, and a toilet you can use without everybody aboard knowing wether it was ones or twos, and a little table in the back of the chair. I crave company more though.

I really don't want to go back to Newcastle, because it means that I'm going to have to re-immerse myself in the solitude that is my life there. Everything awful happening in my life right now is amplified a million times by the inevitability of feeling alone. I really don't want to be back there.

I want a full time job, a friend base, my family, and most crucially i want purpose and direction. I want to not be the cunt I've let myself become, capable of the things that I've done. The only purpose I've felt in the last month has been to live my life in a way that Charlottle could be proud of, and earn her love and respect back through my actions and commitment to change. More than anything I want her to believe I can do it as passionately as I do. Love, it turns out is the greatest purpose of all.

I can understand why she doubts my honesty, and my love for her. I am afterall the boy who cried faithfulness. I know however, that I am giving 100 percent to being the man she always deserved. I've shown weakness in contacting her and dwelling on my own hurt rather than hers, but my heart is in the right place and I know that without a shadow of a doubt. I love her so much, it runs through my veins and through every part of me. Fuck I miss her, shes amazing.

Last night and today I've especially been thinking about how beautiful she is, in so many ways.
I could imagine her there with me and my night being transformed from a mediocre student crawl into the best night of my life.

....and she would have looked really really hot. Im a fool.

'Love conquers all' has become engrained in my mind the past month and I'm considering getting that tatooed across my chest in New York rather than the Mauritian crest I've been planning.. It is more than an expression it is burned into everything that I do. I will be perfect, I have to be. I will make her proud. I will prove to her that I love her. I will be perfect. Love conquers all.

With pivotal points in life comes responsibility, and I refuse to fuck this one up. For now, much as it hurts, the responsibility is to leave her alone and let her forget I exist. If we were meant to be and my love runs as passionately as I believe it does, then what will be will be when it is meant to be. I just need to better myself, and be ready to be everything she deserves. I'll fight for her with my actions within my own life, not imposing myself into hers.

I'm so ill today, last night was really messy I got so drunk (and predictably emotional). I feel bad for putting a downer on everybodys night by being depressing. I'm still a little drunk now and it's unsettling being on this god-awful coach. I stayed at Lally's last night, Miles Liam and Charles stayed at Miles's. Cris stayed at Allisons.

We all met up (apart from cris) at a pub called The Prince Albert just under Brighton train station. It was really nice, I'd been there before when I visited Lally last year. Miles got a full English and it was disgusting smelling. I wanted to throw up all over it. I despise the smell of eggs already so being hungover and twinned with the biggest fuckoff plate of greasy fried breakfast was sickening. I fucking hate Miles I really do. I don't know why he just really fucks me off I can't even look at him and everything that comes out of his mouth angers me.

Its scary because as me and Lally were discussing him last night, his life drew so many parralells to my own at the moment. If I don't sort myself soon I'm going to become him.

Cris turned up eventually and managed to get me to East Croydon just in time to make a train for Victoria. I made it onto the coach by the skin of my teeth as usual. Not my fault this time though it was cris for being 2 hours late to pick us up. I was cacking it because had I missed this train I would be fucked for the rest of the week. The urban sketchbooks need to be in by thursday and I've not yet finalised the specs for my flat drawings. The patterns need to be cut for my shirt by thursday too. Its going to be a busy wednesday, I also need to find time to go to do food shopping!

God I'm not looking forward to the next five and a half hours. The old man across in front keeps looking at me, and the girl opposite possibly thinks it was me that farted earlier (it wasn't me). Shes has banksy in her bag I may ask if I can borrow it.

My phone is still not alive. I left my sim card in Swindon like a fucking idiot so I'm going to have to go into t-mobile tomorrow to get a replacement. Im really dreading charging it up turning it on though, I don't know if I'm going to like whats waiting for me.

I wonder where she is and what she is doing, and wether she is happy?

Here's to Megabus. Mediocre to poor.

Oh simple things, where have you gone.

Fuck it. I don't care if you read them these are chronicles of my progress so fuck you if you think otherwise. Fuck you if you can't see that.

Carnage last night. Im still drunk. Lally is well.

I really believed that a girl was her last night, just for a second, and I was happy.

I spent the evening
a) drinking at miles's
b) looking for a tshirt
c) walkabout
d) looking for a tshirt
e) tru
f) discussing the socio economic climate in reference to migrant workers with lally

Ive just been on her facebook on lally's account, he is asleep. I shouldn't have because now much the same as most of last night, i have tears on my own. Every girl I saw with cropped hair became her in my mind and it made me physically sick being bombarded. I retreated to the smoking terrace in tru for the duration of the evening and literally hid in the corner sat on the floor. One guy came up to me and asked what I was doing so I lied and said I was waiting for someone before leaving the terrace. Liam Lally and Charles were all pulling in various places so I just went back.

I don't regret going out last night, but all I really wanted to do was sit in the pub with Lally and get blind drunk. I wish we had now.

Being on her facebook properly has made me really happy :) (even though it was wrong of me). She has added the cutest pictures ever and she looks really hot hee hee. Harry's hair is really long now its crazy but amazing.


I'm really to fucked to write more as articulately as needed seeing as this has taken me a half hour and I can't even really see the screen through my vodka eyes, so I'll refrain for now.

I missed you friend, and I missed you too...

Blurb.

No more blog. Goodbye friend. x

Clutch, gear, gas, repeat.

I've just got home from my adventure to far away lands. I don't know what I thought I'd do when I got to wherever I ended up, but once I reached Newquay I realised I'd be sleeping in my car.

The traffic wasn't too bad at all it took me a little over 5 hours to get there, would have been shorter but until 3 hours in I didn't really know where i wanted to go. Managed to get the punto to 122mph which was AMAZING. Sounded like the engine was disintegrating though.

It was really pretty, its a shame that it was dark by the time I got there but it was nice to be away somewhere new. Magic fm, a full bag of baccy and the serenity of the seaside was really therapeutic, it was a great idea.

I spent two hours there, but rather than letting my mind escape, the solitude amplified my thoughts, the lack of distraction I guess. I thought about how much I miss her, and how perfect it would be if she was with me right then. I shed a few little tears for her, and imagined where she was and what shes doing. Its starting to get really sad, I daydream and imagine where she is and make whole little stories in my head of what she could be doing. I visualise it and I see her smile, as clear as day. I catch myself doing it really often now, but I like it, its not harming anyone.

I left Newquay and headed for Swindon, Christine had said to me earlier in the day that if I was anywhere near I'd be welcome. I'm trying to sever ties with her because I know char doesn't like that I'm friends with her so I'm annoyed that I went, but I'm glad i had a proper bed to sleep in, and today was nice. I spent hours talking to her about everything, and that was good, she gave some decent advice. Nothing I don't already know but it was still nice. We got off our faces on cheap vodka and asda-brand red bull and I got reaaaaaally emotional about Char again. I feel really embarassed about that now but she understood. Shes made mistakes similar to my own, and lost love too.

It kind of reminded me of the times I used to have with lucy before we fell out, circa AS levels. Shes a good friend, even if i met her off the internet! And she has a hot tub it turns out. Her two cats have nothing on elsie.

Driving again today, and with the radio bust, i was forced to run my head over everything, again and again. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I want her back so badly. Nothing makes sense without her. I need her, I'm so desperate. Please god, help me be the man she deserves.

This was on magic fm.

Hmmm, I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand

Hmmm, Words could not express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul you know I'd pay the price
Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice

Oh, you to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up
Each time you're down, oh baby, oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes up high
You know you got the power girl to keep me holding on
So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me, oh baby

Hmmm, Though you're close to me, we seem so far apart
Maybe given time you'll have a change of heart
If it takes forever girl, then I'm prepared to wait
The day you give your love to me won't be a day too late

Help me. Please. I miss her so much.

Yo, its an air force one.

What a complete waste of a night. I was right in my scepticism, it did feel like being 14 again. Add to that waking up in a strange house I don't remember being at, with a room full of people I don't know.

I've not been looking my best the past few weeks, In all honesty I look like shit dragged through shit, keeping up appearance has taken a bit of a back seat. It doesn't really seem worth making any effort. It hasn't really bothered me because frankly I've got more important things on my mind than what I look like. last night however, i felt disgusting. Seeing everybody dressed up in their gladrags made me realise what I've become. I wore the same clothes I've worn since monday: rolled up art jeans, white tee and grey cardigan, none of which were ironed. I also had on my battered old air force ones and khaki neckscarf. I caught myself in the mirror in the toilet and my face looks so worn down. It has an air of complete resignation about it coupled with blood red insomnia eyes. I honestly wanted to cry. I need to start taking more pride in myself I really do, not just for her. My self worth has hit rock bottom

I think houseparties should stay in the past, theres a reason we just go to the pub now.

Also, rather than helping me loosen up a little as I hoped it would, drink reduced me to an emotional mess of a man. There really is not one redeeming feature about last night, but when I was there I knew that the only way I would enjoy this party, is if she was there with me. That would mean I'd get to wake up next to her and see how pretty she is the next morning.

I'm going for a drive today because I feel like one. I'm not sure really where I want to go but I've got my toothbrush and some money. I just really want to escape from everything for a little while, because being at home has failed me in not achieving that. Everything and everyone is my Char. I want to be somewhere completely isolated from all the memories of her that bombard me and cause me pain. I don't know if such a place exists but hopefully setting the satnav to somewhere random will prevail.

On the upside of yesterday evening, I got to see liam and it made me smile. Hes crazy like a coconut. Also gossip, his infatuation with ruth has transferred to nina. He told me he's in love with her, and has sent her texts telling her that...

What became of the likely lad.

Today has not been a good day.

I woke early and packed all the things I needed to in a box, taped it up and labelled it as indistuinshably as I could (to avoid it being swiped). I got as far as whyteleafe.

I've never felt such fear in my life. I had to park in the travel lodge and calm myself with half of my ten deck before I could even breathe properly and the shakes eased. I don't know exactly what it was that made it happen, but it overwhelmed me in a way that terrifies me. It felt like that time at clapham junction last summer when I keeled over and couldnt move but this ran through my whole body like 50,000 volts. It came suddenly, as soon as I passed the BP garage. I don't know wether it was the growing intensity of memories as I came nearer and nearer oxted, or the crippling shame/ fear of further dejection. Most of all I think it was the sudden realisation that I'm a cunt, who will never deserve her. I just hope that one day she knows that the truth is now the truth. I love her so much.

I can never go back to oxted.


On the upside I went to the barbers to shave my head down properly, but had to go really short to cancel out the patches; so while I no longer look like I have leukemia, I do resemble the brown wing of the British Nationalist Party. And it cost me a tenner.

I also took mum in the car this afternoon to buy a digital camera, she wants to enter the 21st century like the rest of us. Took an hour and a half and 4 massive stores but she settled on a black 12 megapixel samsung with 10x optical zoom. I'm very jealous, it is very sexy and far too advanced for taking pictures of us cutting the cake on birthdays.

Its really tempting to message Corrina again today to ask her to message Char and make a further fool of myself, i must look like a complete tit coming out of the blue and laying all this on her, but I really dont think that Char believes anything, I don't blame her. She says she believes me but I think she is saying that for the sake of equilibrium, and harbouring resent for me instead. I refuse to suffer for crimes I havent commited on top of the ones that I have, its not fair. Katie Orrock needs to die, her and the rest of her misfit singing ensemble. Less Pussycat Dolls more Topkat on crack.

Josh, Liam and cris have invited me to a houseparty tonight in wallington, Its a girls that they met at another party last week. I think I'll pass though, the concept reminds me too much of being in year 10 and inviting myself to houseparties where I knew i wouldnt know anybody except the persons I tagged along with. Add to that, I hardly think I'm going to be good company, and I've got far more important things to concentrate on.

I hear on the news that they caught Sally-Anne Bowmans killer (the croydon girl stabbed on her way home from tiger tiger last year), apparently it was the pub chef and not her boyfriend. I'm happy for her family in that they can finally have some closure on their daughters life. I don't know them obviously but when its this close to home and not 'ghetto' related it hits hard.

Dinnertime.

Bittersweet regrets.

I saw the sparkle in her eye,

the one that I hold dear,
I long to to see that sparkle now,
she takes away my fear.

What once was real has gone away,
and left but a shell,
my darling grew tired of me,
how the great have fell.

I saw the sparkle in her eye,
the one that I hold dear,
I long to see that sparkle now,
but i fucked a geordie and ruined it.

Answers.

And she's gone.

The boy who cried innocence.

I don't know what to do. I feel more helpless than ever, and now for a completely new reason.

Something somebody has said has cemented this idea that i cheated on Char with Corrina (A friend of a friend I used to know years ago). Nothing I can say can prove that I didn't, and its infuriating. For the first time in my life I'm free of lies, but the truth isn't believed either. I don't know whats made her so certain that its true, i wish I knew because I could disprove that rather than bombarding her with other proof that means nothing to her.

I've tried it all, giving reasons why its an impossible concept, getting corrina to tell her, letting her ask whoever she wants, showing her a conversation i've had with corrina begging her to message char. (Which ironically is also being called lies).

Is this a lost cause?

Lies and retribution.

I've just woken up. Which is unfortunate because I had until 2 'o clock to leave what I needed to at Char's door. Fuck my phone and fuck the battery running out. I had one thing to do and I fucked it up because my phone ran out of batteries and the alarm didn't go off. Thats fan-fucking-tastic.

Last night was eventful. Charlotte rang me and we had a conversation almost as if none of this had ever happened, and we were still very much in love (with only occasional abuse). It was seemingly perfect. We both acknowledged it was weird, and deep down i knew it was but a facade. I miss her as my best friend almost as much as I miss her as my lover. Just having meaningless banter with her makes my heart smile.

Then she came online. Conversation continued for a while and I had a smile on my face because for the first time in a long time we were being civil and it made my heart race! Then of course, the inevitable happened and things took a sinister turn.

It seems Char was also talking to Katie Orrock, the one person who hates me more than any other person in the world. I deserve everything that I have coming to me but I don't think I deserve what she did last night.

I can understand that katie will want to punish me for what I did to her, I deserve that, but she is using Charlotte as a tool to do that and it makes me sick. I sent her an email, it said 'Please katie, leave Char alone and stop making things up to get back at me, its not fair on her shes already been through so much'. I didn't get a reply.

It seems katie is smarter than I once thought, either that or intuitively vindictive. Shes stumbled on the perfect crime, echoing my own.

I told katie so many lies, so many exasperations of the truth that even i don't remember them all, but more often in not they were based around some sort of truth. Things are easier to lie about when they are believable. She's taken it upon herself to make up her own lies now, loosely based around truth. Shes realised that when there is truth within a lie, people believe whatever you tell them, especially when the person being accused is a proven liar and can't dispute the root facts.

I'm trying so hard to be a better man, to be open, honest and mature. I'm trying so fucking hard but I've lied so much in the past that now I really need for what I say to be taken on board, nobody believes me.

I wish I had had a threesome. at least then I'd be awesome.

We'll take our precious time about it.

Arrived home a few hours ago, parentals are mostly pleased to see me bu t they made sure they made me feel a little worse about what I did. I'm glad to be home though because everything has a reassuring familiarity, unlike the cold segregation from reality that is my room at uni.

I got mum to shave my head down because it was getting a bit less dapper looking. Except apparently she has no concept of 'apply equal pressure all the way around the head'. I now look like a cancer patient. Theres less patches in a quilt, honestly. Here's to clever headgear.

She called me, and we're going over everything again.

I can't change the past no matter how many times we address it, regardless of how much I wish I could. I'm so frustrated at myself, my memory is shit, the times i spent with katie and my whole first term at uni is a blur in my mind. My inability to recall with swiss precision is being constrewed as lying. I wish i could tell her every detail with sparkling clarity, so that I can be as open as I so desperately want to be, but the truth is I just don't remember. I'm so frustrated at myself.

This is what neither of us wanted. Why am I so weak? I couldn't even make it one day.

She'll regret calling me soon because its made everything fresh again. I'm starting to lose my belief in the omnipotence of unconditional love. Maybe love isn't enough to conquer all? Maybe she will hate me for the rest of my life? Maybe I will too.

The newsagents didn't have golden virginia so I settled for cutters choice. Its like smoking an old mans bumcrack. Ugh.

Armrests, a war of attrition.

So I'm on the train, finally, and amazed by the novelty of having the internet on a train. I toyed with not coming for hours this morning and by the time I decided i would get the train I had half an hour in which to pack and make it to the station. Running with a trolley, a rucksack and a guitar with 20-a-day lungs and only a cheese sandwich 2 and a half days ago for energy was agony.

I made it with a few seconds to spare. The train of course, didn't get there for another 45 minutes. The joys of heinsight. The reward however was a phonecall from Char. Hearing me out of breath she knew instantly that i'd nearly missed the train haha. I love knowing she reads me like a book.

She's unsettled by the finality of last nights discussions, as am I, but i have buried my fears of dejection and pain for the greater good of letting Char be happy, which i so desperately want. My selfishness up until now has been crippling for any progress she could make and I feel terrible about it.

Knowing that she too despises the finality of our situation is comforting, not only for my craving for her to be even a small part of my life, but in that we share a common goal. Neither of us want the other to forget, but both of us know that my refusal to leave her be is detremental to progress.

She says that I can text her every now and again, to let her know how I am. Its hard though for me to know what is crossing the line under that instruction, when can I text? what can i text? how often?

My desire isn't to force upon her declarations of progress (or lack of) in texts or messages, which I know I have been doing for the past few weeks as a desperate act, that being the only medium in which i can communicate with her. My desire is that one day she will want to know how I am, just as I wonder where she is and what she's doing, and wether she is happy or not.

Thats why I gave her the address to this journal, so that I wouldnt have to force myself on her, that she could check up on me when she is curious, or cares, and so that ultimately I could realistically leave her alone.

Then Char said to me that she also hates the finality, because what if maybe one day she wants to tell me how she is, or what she is doing. This struck with me, not once have I thought that maybe one day she would want to contact me with news, rather than just hear about me or me pester her for updates on her life. I didn't think she saw herself maybe one day caring enough to want me to have that priveledge.

I guess i was wrong. Thats something to smile about! And something to cement my determination to succeed in the changes happening in my life. I want to deserve it, and I want it to make her happy.

So here I am. Sat in her seat. Doing her journey, ironically wearing her jumper (unintentionally may I add); but something inside me has a hope for the future that I lacked up until today. A hope for equilibrium.

Take me home country roads.

Still lying in bed, because although I should be excited about going home to London today I can't bring myself to get ready. The idea of sitting in her seat, making her journey sickens me. Every second of the train ride is going to serve as a reminder of what the last few days should have been.

She should be lying next to me right now, snatching a last few precious moments together. I wonder where she is and what she's doing. Instead I have Eamoln Holmes and a full ashtray.

We had a bit of a breakthrough last night in terms of meeting needs. Hearing from her, even to reiterate her disgust at what I've done makes me so happy, because it means she's not forgot about me, which i can't afford for her to do.

However, it cemented in my mind my greatest need is that I need for her to be happy and I need for what I did to her to not hurt her anymore. She's showed so much restraint and i admire her strength but my need for a link hinders progress. When I'm honest with myself its because I feel so helpless. I need so desperately to show her how commited I am to being the one she deserves, but me being me I can't just step back because it leaves me feeling nonpro-active (is that a word?) even though I know leaving her alone is the only way I can let her be happy. Love consumes me. If I'm doing nothing I'm trivialising how perfect I know we could be.

I know I can show my love with my actions in time, and with the changes I make in my life and I'm excited to be that person, but its a marathon not a race. There are a lot of things that need to change.

I'm not going to have counselling until I get back to Newcastle in a weeks time so thats going to be interesting, to see how I get on without her holding my hand. Hopefully it will strengthen me and further ingrain my commitment to bettering myself.

I can't wait to see my mum. Its been three weeks since I lost char, and I really need a hug. I expect Char's had lots from her mum and friends. People here won't even look me in the eye. Its funny how quickly those who you consider to be friends can turn their back on you with the right manipulation, at your time of greatest need. How I despise Emma and her infalliable indoctrination.

Camp America rang me this morning, they need payment by the end of this week so thats going to be a bit of a struggle but it should be ok. The guy said that male applicants almost always get places because theres a shortage. I can't wait. I've put off my ambitions for so long, I'm so happy its finally happening, and that all thats happened has given me the kick up the arse I needed to sort it out.

I realised earlier that I've eaten only a cheese sandwich in the last 2 and a half days. Worrying stuff. It seems fucking off your flatmates and having to stay in your room rather than be able to eat is a good way of losing weight.

Time to pack and prepare. Ugh.

Genesis.

The start of something beautiful?

I hope so. I need so.

Heres to the future and the depths of its mystery.

Heres to happiness and the depths of its escape.