Gin and milk.

Packing is done for tomorrow, just need to put the last things in at the last minute, toothbrush/razor etc. Got my passport and wallet laid out on my desk ready.

Looking at my trolley and everything its pulsing through my mind that I don't want to go. Its going to be awful. The very last thing I can imagine wanting to do right now in my life is being out of the country for a week. , especially with people that barely acknowledge my existence. I'm trying so fucking hard with them is it that hard to not dick on me for 5 minutes. On top of everything I only have 150 quid to last me the 6 days, around 300 dollars. Everybody else is bringing close to a grand. Its because this bastard bursary didn't come through yet, I went and talked to the people this week and they said there was a problem with mine so I won't get it till the 7th. Fuckload of use it is then isn't it lady, after having watched everybody else spend theirs. Fucks sake.

I sent char an email asking her to call me before I leave. I hope she isnt offended by it or gets angry about it. I just really want to speak to her before I go. Its hard enough not speaking to her while I'm here, but going out of the country I just want to hear her voice before I leave, God forbid anythign happen to me.

I've also just doen a massive tidy up of my room. It is brand spanking. I could eat my dinner off the floor (if I had any dinner that is). I figure its always really depressing when I've been away from Newcastle and I come back to a horrible looking room. Messy house, messy life, as the saying goes. When I come back I want to be completely focused on achieveing all the goals I've set myself without obstruction. I watched Run Fatboy Run last night and the lien that stuck with me was Simon Pegg speaking to his son:

"When you meet problems in life son, no matter how hard they are, you don't just run away from them, because while it might make you feel better, your not actually helping anything. No matter how hard the problem is you stick at it and you commit yourself to solving it. There's always a solution."

My problem is how fucked up I've become in the last year and what it cost me, and the solution...well I don't know what that is yet but I'm trying.

A year since char and I broke up. Mothers day 2007. What an awful day. It pales in comparison to the pain I've suffered since though. all my own doing of course. What a prat I am.

Reflecting on the last year is tough, twice I've felt the lowest I've ever felt. You can't explain to somebody the feeling of helplessness that consumes your mind as you contemplate taking your own life unless they've felt it too. I never want to be there again.