Back on home soil. I rang mam when I landed at heathrow because I hadn't told her what day I was coming back I don't think she was happy about being woken up at 8.25. I said that i wanted to come home until Thursday to which she responded "Don't bother, you're only wasting my time and yours".....charming. Anyway, 3 hour delay on the M1 we've only just arrived its just gone seven o clock. I'm very very tired!
A week later and here i am again, sat in the same spot on my bed, with my laptop on my chest, watching the same crappy tv shows. Joy of all joys. The difference today however is I've realised three truths in the last week. The inevitable self reflection in solitude away from everything has been both refreshing and condemning. While completely detatched from anything to do with anything, my mind would always wander back to my worries every few minutes, seconds.
Walking around New York (especially Brooklyn and Williamsburg) on my todd, I couldn't help but keep imagining how beautiful it would be to have Charlottes hand in mine, experiencing these wonderful things as much as I imagine she would. I found myself losing my grip on reality within dreamworlds where me and Char have the life we always imagined before all of this car crash of a mistake. I daydreamed whole scenarios and lives for us, even down to what kind of apartment we would live in and which jobs we'd take on before I caught myself dreaming and settled back into remorse.
She works with kids in a community project and I sell my illustrations from home, just enough to cover our rent and a humble bohemian lifestyle. We'd only live there for a year or so, to experience life somewhere else before we commit ourselves to our careers, and then one day our family together back home, or maybe we just go live somewhere else! who knows :)
Yeah, I creep myself out too but for those few special moments my heart is complete.
I heard something today that made me contemplate the validity of my plight before cementing it. It was a lady speaking on love vs. prenuptual contracts:
"when you close your eyes and try to imagine spending the rest of your life without that one person, and tears run down your face because the notion shakes every part of you, you don't need a prenup."
tears scream across my face every night and every morning. Obviously the part about a prenup is irrelevant but the statement of love is so true. Thats how I know I love Charlotte with everything I have to give. I don't deserve her, and I inevitably turn everything beautiful in my life to shit because I'm a self centred bastard, but by fuck do I love that girl.
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