Revelations.

Today has been really unproductive. My mood has been erratic.

I overslept because I left the headphones plugged into my laptop so I missed pattern cutting and my counselling appointment. I woke up naturally at 1pm and knew there was something wrong because there was light outside the window. I laid in bed and contemplated my situation for around half an hour but my thoughts inevitably turned to my love, hundreds of miles from where I am but right next to me in my mind. Its been days since we spoke last and i miss her so much. Its hard to concentrate on achieving positive goals when the reason behind them isn't there focusing my mind. Up until now it has been the little picture in her facebook but now that has gone I have nothing but a question mark and a name mocking me and spitting on my dreams.

I got up and made the mistake of succumbing to my curiosity and turning on my skype phone. Mistake. The wallpaper made me cry. I had forgotten about these pictures, taken when we got our phones. We had just had a chat and I was so desperate to make things work. I had promised myself that night again that I would never see katie again, but obviously I lost sight pretty quickly. We were so full of hope that night. The phones were an attempt in my mind to make sure of my promises, an act of commitment.

A few tears and the contents of my stomach were the extent of that low. Its become routine now. At least theres structure within the madness.

I spent the next hour trying to write a song called One-oh-Nine. Its a cool sounding song, pokes fun at the Coydon yoof. It cheered me up somewhat singing it. Ive found in the last few days that writing songs that aren't about her provide an escapism to the realities of my pain. Temporary of course, because the next reminder is only a few hours, minutes, seconds away.

It came in the form of turning on my ipod, which hasn't been used in over a year. The photo album. The Charlotte folder. Happy days. What I wouldnt do to go back to talk to myself a year ago today, to have a quiet word with the naiive Pascal and order him to hold onto the most beautiful thing in his life, for tomorrow, she won't be there anymore. I'd tell him that I've seen the other side, and i wouldn't wish it on him nor anybody else in the world. I had much to learn.

Tomorrow, mothers day, it will be a year.

The ipod brought me joy aswell as sadness however, i found a few songs that I'd forgotten all about, that have brought me happiness when I've felt down before. Kaya - Chante L'Amour, Jalsa - Joli Ti Dimoune, Blakkayo - L'Apparence. God what I'd do to be in mauritius right now and forget about my pathetic existence.

I got a note under my door a few hours ago from megan. It was an apology for the way she and the others have been to me over the past month. She wants to start afresh. I don't care about that, what I do care about was taht in the letter she'd put that the reason people were being cold to me was because I'd apparently lied about my cheque bouncing for the rent. I swiftly went and blutacked my eviction notice and letter from quay point demanding recooperation of funds to her door.

I got a note back 5 minutes later that said. OMG WE ARE SO SO SO SO SO SORRY.

Doesnt give me back a month of my life you guys made a million times worse does it. cunts.