Yo, its an air force one.

What a complete waste of a night. I was right in my scepticism, it did feel like being 14 again. Add to that waking up in a strange house I don't remember being at, with a room full of people I don't know.

I've not been looking my best the past few weeks, In all honesty I look like shit dragged through shit, keeping up appearance has taken a bit of a back seat. It doesn't really seem worth making any effort. It hasn't really bothered me because frankly I've got more important things on my mind than what I look like. last night however, i felt disgusting. Seeing everybody dressed up in their gladrags made me realise what I've become. I wore the same clothes I've worn since monday: rolled up art jeans, white tee and grey cardigan, none of which were ironed. I also had on my battered old air force ones and khaki neckscarf. I caught myself in the mirror in the toilet and my face looks so worn down. It has an air of complete resignation about it coupled with blood red insomnia eyes. I honestly wanted to cry. I need to start taking more pride in myself I really do, not just for her. My self worth has hit rock bottom

I think houseparties should stay in the past, theres a reason we just go to the pub now.

Also, rather than helping me loosen up a little as I hoped it would, drink reduced me to an emotional mess of a man. There really is not one redeeming feature about last night, but when I was there I knew that the only way I would enjoy this party, is if she was there with me. That would mean I'd get to wake up next to her and see how pretty she is the next morning.

I'm going for a drive today because I feel like one. I'm not sure really where I want to go but I've got my toothbrush and some money. I just really want to escape from everything for a little while, because being at home has failed me in not achieving that. Everything and everyone is my Char. I want to be somewhere completely isolated from all the memories of her that bombard me and cause me pain. I don't know if such a place exists but hopefully setting the satnav to somewhere random will prevail.

On the upside of yesterday evening, I got to see liam and it made me smile. Hes crazy like a coconut. Also gossip, his infatuation with ruth has transferred to nina. He told me he's in love with her, and has sent her texts telling her that...