What became of the likely lad.

Today has not been a good day.

I woke early and packed all the things I needed to in a box, taped it up and labelled it as indistuinshably as I could (to avoid it being swiped). I got as far as whyteleafe.

I've never felt such fear in my life. I had to park in the travel lodge and calm myself with half of my ten deck before I could even breathe properly and the shakes eased. I don't know exactly what it was that made it happen, but it overwhelmed me in a way that terrifies me. It felt like that time at clapham junction last summer when I keeled over and couldnt move but this ran through my whole body like 50,000 volts. It came suddenly, as soon as I passed the BP garage. I don't know wether it was the growing intensity of memories as I came nearer and nearer oxted, or the crippling shame/ fear of further dejection. Most of all I think it was the sudden realisation that I'm a cunt, who will never deserve her. I just hope that one day she knows that the truth is now the truth. I love her so much.

I can never go back to oxted.


On the upside I went to the barbers to shave my head down properly, but had to go really short to cancel out the patches; so while I no longer look like I have leukemia, I do resemble the brown wing of the British Nationalist Party. And it cost me a tenner.

I also took mum in the car this afternoon to buy a digital camera, she wants to enter the 21st century like the rest of us. Took an hour and a half and 4 massive stores but she settled on a black 12 megapixel samsung with 10x optical zoom. I'm very jealous, it is very sexy and far too advanced for taking pictures of us cutting the cake on birthdays.

Its really tempting to message Corrina again today to ask her to message Char and make a further fool of myself, i must look like a complete tit coming out of the blue and laying all this on her, but I really dont think that Char believes anything, I don't blame her. She says she believes me but I think she is saying that for the sake of equilibrium, and harbouring resent for me instead. I refuse to suffer for crimes I havent commited on top of the ones that I have, its not fair. Katie Orrock needs to die, her and the rest of her misfit singing ensemble. Less Pussycat Dolls more Topkat on crack.

Josh, Liam and cris have invited me to a houseparty tonight in wallington, Its a girls that they met at another party last week. I think I'll pass though, the concept reminds me too much of being in year 10 and inviting myself to houseparties where I knew i wouldnt know anybody except the persons I tagged along with. Add to that, I hardly think I'm going to be good company, and I've got far more important things to concentrate on.

I hear on the news that they caught Sally-Anne Bowmans killer (the croydon girl stabbed on her way home from tiger tiger last year), apparently it was the pub chef and not her boyfriend. I'm happy for her family in that they can finally have some closure on their daughters life. I don't know them obviously but when its this close to home and not 'ghetto' related it hits hard.

Dinnertime.