Take me home country roads.

Still lying in bed, because although I should be excited about going home to London today I can't bring myself to get ready. The idea of sitting in her seat, making her journey sickens me. Every second of the train ride is going to serve as a reminder of what the last few days should have been.

She should be lying next to me right now, snatching a last few precious moments together. I wonder where she is and what she's doing. Instead I have Eamoln Holmes and a full ashtray.

We had a bit of a breakthrough last night in terms of meeting needs. Hearing from her, even to reiterate her disgust at what I've done makes me so happy, because it means she's not forgot about me, which i can't afford for her to do.

However, it cemented in my mind my greatest need is that I need for her to be happy and I need for what I did to her to not hurt her anymore. She's showed so much restraint and i admire her strength but my need for a link hinders progress. When I'm honest with myself its because I feel so helpless. I need so desperately to show her how commited I am to being the one she deserves, but me being me I can't just step back because it leaves me feeling nonpro-active (is that a word?) even though I know leaving her alone is the only way I can let her be happy. Love consumes me. If I'm doing nothing I'm trivialising how perfect I know we could be.

I know I can show my love with my actions in time, and with the changes I make in my life and I'm excited to be that person, but its a marathon not a race. There are a lot of things that need to change.

I'm not going to have counselling until I get back to Newcastle in a weeks time so thats going to be interesting, to see how I get on without her holding my hand. Hopefully it will strengthen me and further ingrain my commitment to bettering myself.

I can't wait to see my mum. Its been three weeks since I lost char, and I really need a hug. I expect Char's had lots from her mum and friends. People here won't even look me in the eye. Its funny how quickly those who you consider to be friends can turn their back on you with the right manipulation, at your time of greatest need. How I despise Emma and her infalliable indoctrination.

Camp America rang me this morning, they need payment by the end of this week so thats going to be a bit of a struggle but it should be ok. The guy said that male applicants almost always get places because theres a shortage. I can't wait. I've put off my ambitions for so long, I'm so happy its finally happening, and that all thats happened has given me the kick up the arse I needed to sort it out.

I realised earlier that I've eaten only a cheese sandwich in the last 2 and a half days. Worrying stuff. It seems fucking off your flatmates and having to stay in your room rather than be able to eat is a good way of losing weight.

Time to pack and prepare. Ugh.