I could never end my life, as much as I've wanted to at various times in my existence. The guilt stops me. I don't want to cause pain to others with my actions. If it was without repurcussion, I think I'd rather not live than keep living.
I keep catching myself wanting for accidents to happen to me, so it wouldnt be my fault, and I'd be free of guilt. If it was to happen I wouldn't want to wake up. The cowards way out is really appealing.
Similarly I find myself thinking that if emma was dying i wouldnt help her.
This has been a dark blog. La vie seule sans elle me tue. Chaque jour est plus insupportable que le dernier.
L'intérieur, je suis mort déjà.
What hope is there when I don't even exist.
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Breathing deeply, walking backwards.
I really don't think anybody noticed I've been missing for a week. I'm sitting in the lesson now and nobody has said anything to me about it yet. I'm jealous of everybody in the room.
This is still stinging:
Mistakes yes, betraying someone and abusing trust isn't acceptable. If you love her like you say you do you'll let her go, you can't make her happy Pascal...
So this is goodbye. Just leave her alone now she doesn't deserve to be dragged into your problems.
Just to let you know the whole time Char was sure you weren't being faithful i told her you wouldn't do anything like that to her. You had us all believing you really loved her, you've done enough lying so stop claiming you love her because if you did you wouldn't have hurt her like you did.
Take care.
This is still stinging:
| RE: | |
| From: | kylie woods (kyli121@hotmail.com) |
| Sent: | 27 February 2008 09:07:14 |
| To: | Pascal Froget (pazmataz@hotmail.com) |
Mistakes yes, betraying someone and abusing trust isn't acceptable. If you love her like you say you do you'll let her go, you can't make her happy Pascal...
So this is goodbye. Just leave her alone now she doesn't deserve to be dragged into your problems.
Just to let you know the whole time Char was sure you weren't being faithful i told her you wouldn't do anything like that to her. You had us all believing you really loved her, you've done enough lying so stop claiming you love her because if you did you wouldn't have hurt her like you did.
Take care.
From: pazmataz@hotmail.com
To: kyli121@hotmail.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:33:02 +0000
I do love her. Very very much.
Everybody makes mistakes kylie, even you.
Tell Char I miss her x
From: kyli121@hotmail.com
To: pazmataz@hotmail.com
Subject:
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:05:38 +0000
Char said to you to change your password and then leave her alone but you haven't... so she got me to do it just like she said she would.
I've changed it to ********.
Pascal you fucked it up in the worst way possible and Char really won't ever want you back so just leave her to find a guy who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated and even if you think you love her you really don't because if you did you would have kept your hands to yourself.
This is her completely erasing you from her life which you didn't deserve to be in in the first place so please just accept this and let go.
Mourning is mocking me.
I've just got my scales back from Megan. I have lost 2 stone in 4 and a half weeks.
I've not been 8 stone 2 since... well we all know when.
I look ill and run down but I don't think I look skinnier. What a fuck up. What an absolute fuck up.
Eating every couple of days then throwing up every few hours in between because something made me feel sick. I need to sort this. Now.
Just finished a song called Walk Away it sounds good. Lally is right about me writing dozens of songs about regret and loss and love once enjoyed. Its making things worse.
I saw Paddy in the design centre when I was scanning my book in and had to explain what it was. I think he was really confused by it but whatever, its my own thing and nobody elses.
I've not been 8 stone 2 since... well we all know when.
I look ill and run down but I don't think I look skinnier. What a fuck up. What an absolute fuck up.
Eating every couple of days then throwing up every few hours in between because something made me feel sick. I need to sort this. Now.
Just finished a song called Walk Away it sounds good. Lally is right about me writing dozens of songs about regret and loss and love once enjoyed. Its making things worse.
I saw Paddy in the design centre when I was scanning my book in and had to explain what it was. I think he was really confused by it but whatever, its my own thing and nobody elses.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
The ring from my finger slips to the ground.
Today I throw my book away. Here are the parts I want to remember, the ones I don't are sitting in my bin.
The man sings about romance.
Laura Marling is really floating my boat. I just realised her album came out this week. She has a poetic innocence about her I've never heard before. Kate Nash without the mockney and puns. Eva Cassidy of South London.
I heart her a lot. If music could reflect life then she would be my soundtrack.
Char would love her too.
I heart her a lot. If music could reflect life then she would be my soundtrack.
Char would love her too.
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Fuck.
She's properly blocked me on facebook.
I only wanted one picture, do I not deserve that for the sake of my sanity?
She doesn't even exist now, just a figment of my imagination that my life happens to revolves around.
I so badly want to email her and beg her to unblock me, just so I can see the little picture, but I need to be strong now. In Kylie's words:
'This is her completely erasing you from her life which you didn't deserve to be in in the first place so please just accept this and let go.'
I can't let go, but I need to be strong and walk away. I love her and this is what she needs.
I just want the pain to stop. It doesn't ease, it just grows more crippling every day. I really needed that little picture, I fall asleep looking at it and wake up with it still there. Its the only link that feels current. Pascal your such a fuck up what the fuck is wrong with you look at what you've done.
Look at what you've done.
I only wanted one picture, do I not deserve that for the sake of my sanity?
She doesn't even exist now, just a figment of my imagination that my life happens to revolves around.
I so badly want to email her and beg her to unblock me, just so I can see the little picture, but I need to be strong now. In Kylie's words:
'This is her completely erasing you from her life which you didn't deserve to be in in the first place so please just accept this and let go.'
I can't let go, but I need to be strong and walk away. I love her and this is what she needs.
I just want the pain to stop. It doesn't ease, it just grows more crippling every day. I really needed that little picture, I fall asleep looking at it and wake up with it still there. Its the only link that feels current. Pascal your such a fuck up what the fuck is wrong with you look at what you've done.
Look at what you've done.
Armrests. A war of Inadequacy.
I'm currently sat on the left hand side window of the 8th row of seats aboard the 1630 M20 From London to Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, arriving supposedly at 2310. The time is now 1708. Everything substandard I've failed to notice about megabus screams at me now, having experienced the luxuries of long distance train travel. I crave an internet connection, and an armrest, and a toilet you can use without everybody aboard knowing wether it was ones or twos, and a little table in the back of the chair. I crave company more though.
I really don't want to go back to Newcastle, because it means that I'm going to have to re-immerse myself in the solitude that is my life there. Everything awful happening in my life right now is amplified a million times by the inevitability of feeling alone. I really don't want to be back there.
I want a full time job, a friend base, my family, and most crucially i want purpose and direction. I want to not be the cunt I've let myself become, capable of the things that I've done. The only purpose I've felt in the last month has been to live my life in a way that Charlottle could be proud of, and earn her love and respect back through my actions and commitment to change. More than anything I want her to believe I can do it as passionately as I do. Love, it turns out is the greatest purpose of all.
I can understand why she doubts my honesty, and my love for her. I am afterall the boy who cried faithfulness. I know however, that I am giving 100 percent to being the man she always deserved. I've shown weakness in contacting her and dwelling on my own hurt rather than hers, but my heart is in the right place and I know that without a shadow of a doubt. I love her so much, it runs through my veins and through every part of me. Fuck I miss her, shes amazing.
Last night and today I've especially been thinking about how beautiful she is, in so many ways.
I could imagine her there with me and my night being transformed from a mediocre student crawl into the best night of my life.
....and she would have looked really really hot. Im a fool.
'Love conquers all' has become engrained in my mind the past month and I'm considering getting that tatooed across my chest in New York rather than the Mauritian crest I've been planning.. It is more than an expression it is burned into everything that I do. I will be perfect, I have to be. I will make her proud. I will prove to her that I love her. I will be perfect. Love conquers all.
With pivotal points in life comes responsibility, and I refuse to fuck this one up. For now, much as it hurts, the responsibility is to leave her alone and let her forget I exist. If we were meant to be and my love runs as passionately as I believe it does, then what will be will be when it is meant to be. I just need to better myself, and be ready to be everything she deserves. I'll fight for her with my actions within my own life, not imposing myself into hers.
I'm so ill today, last night was really messy I got so drunk (and predictably emotional). I feel bad for putting a downer on everybodys night by being depressing. I'm still a little drunk now and it's unsettling being on this god-awful coach. I stayed at Lally's last night, Miles Liam and Charles stayed at Miles's. Cris stayed at Allisons.
We all met up (apart from cris) at a pub called The Prince Albert just under Brighton train station. It was really nice, I'd been there before when I visited Lally last year. Miles got a full English and it was disgusting smelling. I wanted to throw up all over it. I despise the smell of eggs already so being hungover and twinned with the biggest fuckoff plate of greasy fried breakfast was sickening. I fucking hate Miles I really do. I don't know why he just really fucks me off I can't even look at him and everything that comes out of his mouth angers me.
Its scary because as me and Lally were discussing him last night, his life drew so many parralells to my own at the moment. If I don't sort myself soon I'm going to become him.
Cris turned up eventually and managed to get me to East Croydon just in time to make a train for Victoria. I made it onto the coach by the skin of my teeth as usual. Not my fault this time though it was cris for being 2 hours late to pick us up. I was cacking it because had I missed this train I would be fucked for the rest of the week. The urban sketchbooks need to be in by thursday and I've not yet finalised the specs for my flat drawings. The patterns need to be cut for my shirt by thursday too. Its going to be a busy wednesday, I also need to find time to go to do food shopping!
God I'm not looking forward to the next five and a half hours. The old man across in front keeps looking at me, and the girl opposite possibly thinks it was me that farted earlier (it wasn't me). Shes has banksy in her bag I may ask if I can borrow it.
My phone is still not alive. I left my sim card in Swindon like a fucking idiot so I'm going to have to go into t-mobile tomorrow to get a replacement. Im really dreading charging it up turning it on though, I don't know if I'm going to like whats waiting for me.
I wonder where she is and what she is doing, and wether she is happy?
Here's to Megabus. Mediocre to poor.
I really don't want to go back to Newcastle, because it means that I'm going to have to re-immerse myself in the solitude that is my life there. Everything awful happening in my life right now is amplified a million times by the inevitability of feeling alone. I really don't want to be back there.
I want a full time job, a friend base, my family, and most crucially i want purpose and direction. I want to not be the cunt I've let myself become, capable of the things that I've done. The only purpose I've felt in the last month has been to live my life in a way that Charlottle could be proud of, and earn her love and respect back through my actions and commitment to change. More than anything I want her to believe I can do it as passionately as I do. Love, it turns out is the greatest purpose of all.
I can understand why she doubts my honesty, and my love for her. I am afterall the boy who cried faithfulness. I know however, that I am giving 100 percent to being the man she always deserved. I've shown weakness in contacting her and dwelling on my own hurt rather than hers, but my heart is in the right place and I know that without a shadow of a doubt. I love her so much, it runs through my veins and through every part of me. Fuck I miss her, shes amazing.
Last night and today I've especially been thinking about how beautiful she is, in so many ways.
I could imagine her there with me and my night being transformed from a mediocre student crawl into the best night of my life.
....and she would have looked really really hot. Im a fool.
'Love conquers all' has become engrained in my mind the past month and I'm considering getting that tatooed across my chest in New York rather than the Mauritian crest I've been planning.. It is more than an expression it is burned into everything that I do. I will be perfect, I have to be. I will make her proud. I will prove to her that I love her. I will be perfect. Love conquers all.
With pivotal points in life comes responsibility, and I refuse to fuck this one up. For now, much as it hurts, the responsibility is to leave her alone and let her forget I exist. If we were meant to be and my love runs as passionately as I believe it does, then what will be will be when it is meant to be. I just need to better myself, and be ready to be everything she deserves. I'll fight for her with my actions within my own life, not imposing myself into hers.
I'm so ill today, last night was really messy I got so drunk (and predictably emotional). I feel bad for putting a downer on everybodys night by being depressing. I'm still a little drunk now and it's unsettling being on this god-awful coach. I stayed at Lally's last night, Miles Liam and Charles stayed at Miles's. Cris stayed at Allisons.
We all met up (apart from cris) at a pub called The Prince Albert just under Brighton train station. It was really nice, I'd been there before when I visited Lally last year. Miles got a full English and it was disgusting smelling. I wanted to throw up all over it. I despise the smell of eggs already so being hungover and twinned with the biggest fuckoff plate of greasy fried breakfast was sickening. I fucking hate Miles I really do. I don't know why he just really fucks me off I can't even look at him and everything that comes out of his mouth angers me.
Its scary because as me and Lally were discussing him last night, his life drew so many parralells to my own at the moment. If I don't sort myself soon I'm going to become him.
Cris turned up eventually and managed to get me to East Croydon just in time to make a train for Victoria. I made it onto the coach by the skin of my teeth as usual. Not my fault this time though it was cris for being 2 hours late to pick us up. I was cacking it because had I missed this train I would be fucked for the rest of the week. The urban sketchbooks need to be in by thursday and I've not yet finalised the specs for my flat drawings. The patterns need to be cut for my shirt by thursday too. Its going to be a busy wednesday, I also need to find time to go to do food shopping!
God I'm not looking forward to the next five and a half hours. The old man across in front keeps looking at me, and the girl opposite possibly thinks it was me that farted earlier (it wasn't me). Shes has banksy in her bag I may ask if I can borrow it.
My phone is still not alive. I left my sim card in Swindon like a fucking idiot so I'm going to have to go into t-mobile tomorrow to get a replacement. Im really dreading charging it up turning it on though, I don't know if I'm going to like whats waiting for me.
I wonder where she is and what she is doing, and wether she is happy?
Here's to Megabus. Mediocre to poor.
Oh simple things, where have you gone.
Fuck it. I don't care if you read them these are chronicles of my progress so fuck you if you think otherwise. Fuck you if you can't see that.
Carnage last night. Im still drunk. Lally is well.
I really believed that a girl was her last night, just for a second, and I was happy.
I spent the evening
a) drinking at miles's
b) looking for a tshirt
c) walkabout
d) looking for a tshirt
e) tru
f) discussing the socio economic climate in reference to migrant workers with lally
Ive just been on her facebook on lally's account, he is asleep. I shouldn't have because now much the same as most of last night, i have tears on my own. Every girl I saw with cropped hair became her in my mind and it made me physically sick being bombarded. I retreated to the smoking terrace in tru for the duration of the evening and literally hid in the corner sat on the floor. One guy came up to me and asked what I was doing so I lied and said I was waiting for someone before leaving the terrace. Liam Lally and Charles were all pulling in various places so I just went back.
I don't regret going out last night, but all I really wanted to do was sit in the pub with Lally and get blind drunk. I wish we had now.
Being on her facebook properly has made me really happy :) (even though it was wrong of me). She has added the cutest pictures ever and she looks really hot hee hee. Harry's hair is really long now its crazy but amazing.
I'm really to fucked to write more as articulately as needed seeing as this has taken me a half hour and I can't even really see the screen through my vodka eyes, so I'll refrain for now.
I missed you friend, and I missed you too...
Carnage last night. Im still drunk. Lally is well.
I really believed that a girl was her last night, just for a second, and I was happy.
I spent the evening
a) drinking at miles's
b) looking for a tshirt
c) walkabout
d) looking for a tshirt
e) tru
f) discussing the socio economic climate in reference to migrant workers with lally
Ive just been on her facebook on lally's account, he is asleep. I shouldn't have because now much the same as most of last night, i have tears on my own. Every girl I saw with cropped hair became her in my mind and it made me physically sick being bombarded. I retreated to the smoking terrace in tru for the duration of the evening and literally hid in the corner sat on the floor. One guy came up to me and asked what I was doing so I lied and said I was waiting for someone before leaving the terrace. Liam Lally and Charles were all pulling in various places so I just went back.
I don't regret going out last night, but all I really wanted to do was sit in the pub with Lally and get blind drunk. I wish we had now.
Being on her facebook properly has made me really happy :) (even though it was wrong of me). She has added the cutest pictures ever and she looks really hot hee hee. Harry's hair is really long now its crazy but amazing.
I'm really to fucked to write more as articulately as needed seeing as this has taken me a half hour and I can't even really see the screen through my vodka eyes, so I'll refrain for now.
I missed you friend, and I missed you too...
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Clutch, gear, gas, repeat.
I've just got home from my adventure to far away lands. I don't know what I thought I'd do when I got to wherever I ended up, but once I reached Newquay I realised I'd be sleeping in my car.
The traffic wasn't too bad at all it took me a little over 5 hours to get there, would have been shorter but until 3 hours in I didn't really know where i wanted to go. Managed to get the punto to 122mph which was AMAZING. Sounded like the engine was disintegrating though.
It was really pretty, its a shame that it was dark by the time I got there but it was nice to be away somewhere new. Magic fm, a full bag of baccy and the serenity of the seaside was really therapeutic, it was a great idea.
I spent two hours there, but rather than letting my mind escape, the solitude amplified my thoughts, the lack of distraction I guess. I thought about how much I miss her, and how perfect it would be if she was with me right then. I shed a few little tears for her, and imagined where she was and what shes doing. Its starting to get really sad, I daydream and imagine where she is and make whole little stories in my head of what she could be doing. I visualise it and I see her smile, as clear as day. I catch myself doing it really often now, but I like it, its not harming anyone.
I left Newquay and headed for Swindon, Christine had said to me earlier in the day that if I was anywhere near I'd be welcome. I'm trying to sever ties with her because I know char doesn't like that I'm friends with her so I'm annoyed that I went, but I'm glad i had a proper bed to sleep in, and today was nice. I spent hours talking to her about everything, and that was good, she gave some decent advice. Nothing I don't already know but it was still nice. We got off our faces on cheap vodka and asda-brand red bull and I got reaaaaaally emotional about Char again. I feel really embarassed about that now but she understood. Shes made mistakes similar to my own, and lost love too.
It kind of reminded me of the times I used to have with lucy before we fell out, circa AS levels. Shes a good friend, even if i met her off the internet! And she has a hot tub it turns out. Her two cats have nothing on elsie.
Driving again today, and with the radio bust, i was forced to run my head over everything, again and again. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I want her back so badly. Nothing makes sense without her. I need her, I'm so desperate. Please god, help me be the man she deserves.
This was on magic fm.
Help me. Please. I miss her so much.
The traffic wasn't too bad at all it took me a little over 5 hours to get there, would have been shorter but until 3 hours in I didn't really know where i wanted to go. Managed to get the punto to 122mph which was AMAZING. Sounded like the engine was disintegrating though.
It was really pretty, its a shame that it was dark by the time I got there but it was nice to be away somewhere new. Magic fm, a full bag of baccy and the serenity of the seaside was really therapeutic, it was a great idea.
I spent two hours there, but rather than letting my mind escape, the solitude amplified my thoughts, the lack of distraction I guess. I thought about how much I miss her, and how perfect it would be if she was with me right then. I shed a few little tears for her, and imagined where she was and what shes doing. Its starting to get really sad, I daydream and imagine where she is and make whole little stories in my head of what she could be doing. I visualise it and I see her smile, as clear as day. I catch myself doing it really often now, but I like it, its not harming anyone.
I left Newquay and headed for Swindon, Christine had said to me earlier in the day that if I was anywhere near I'd be welcome. I'm trying to sever ties with her because I know char doesn't like that I'm friends with her so I'm annoyed that I went, but I'm glad i had a proper bed to sleep in, and today was nice. I spent hours talking to her about everything, and that was good, she gave some decent advice. Nothing I don't already know but it was still nice. We got off our faces on cheap vodka and asda-brand red bull and I got reaaaaaally emotional about Char again. I feel really embarassed about that now but she understood. Shes made mistakes similar to my own, and lost love too.
It kind of reminded me of the times I used to have with lucy before we fell out, circa AS levels. Shes a good friend, even if i met her off the internet! And she has a hot tub it turns out. Her two cats have nothing on elsie.
Driving again today, and with the radio bust, i was forced to run my head over everything, again and again. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I want her back so badly. Nothing makes sense without her. I need her, I'm so desperate. Please god, help me be the man she deserves.
This was on magic fm.
Hmmm, I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand
Hmmm, Words could not express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul you know I'd pay the price
Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice
Oh, you to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up
Each time you're down, oh baby, oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes up high
You know you got the power girl to keep me holding on
So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me, oh baby
Hmmm, Though you're close to me, we seem so far apart
Maybe given time you'll have a change of heart
If it takes forever girl, then I'm prepared to wait
The day you give your love to me won't be a day too late
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand
Hmmm, Words could not express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul you know I'd pay the price
Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice
Oh, you to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up
Each time you're down, oh baby, oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes up high
You know you got the power girl to keep me holding on
So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me, oh baby
Hmmm, Though you're close to me, we seem so far apart
Maybe given time you'll have a change of heart
If it takes forever girl, then I'm prepared to wait
The day you give your love to me won't be a day too late
Help me. Please. I miss her so much.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
Yo, its an air force one.
What a complete waste of a night. I was right in my scepticism, it did feel like being 14 again. Add to that waking up in a strange house I don't remember being at, with a room full of people I don't know.
I've not been looking my best the past few weeks, In all honesty I look like shit dragged through shit, keeping up appearance has taken a bit of a back seat. It doesn't really seem worth making any effort. It hasn't really bothered me because frankly I've got more important things on my mind than what I look like. last night however, i felt disgusting. Seeing everybody dressed up in their gladrags made me realise what I've become. I wore the same clothes I've worn since monday: rolled up art jeans, white tee and grey cardigan, none of which were ironed. I also had on my battered old air force ones and khaki neckscarf. I caught myself in the mirror in the toilet and my face looks so worn down. It has an air of complete resignation about it coupled with blood red insomnia eyes. I honestly wanted to cry. I need to start taking more pride in myself I really do, not just for her. My self worth has hit rock bottom
I think houseparties should stay in the past, theres a reason we just go to the pub now.
Also, rather than helping me loosen up a little as I hoped it would, drink reduced me to an emotional mess of a man. There really is not one redeeming feature about last night, but when I was there I knew that the only way I would enjoy this party, is if she was there with me. That would mean I'd get to wake up next to her and see how pretty she is the next morning.
I'm going for a drive today because I feel like one. I'm not sure really where I want to go but I've got my toothbrush and some money. I just really want to escape from everything for a little while, because being at home has failed me in not achieving that. Everything and everyone is my Char. I want to be somewhere completely isolated from all the memories of her that bombard me and cause me pain. I don't know if such a place exists but hopefully setting the satnav to somewhere random will prevail.
On the upside of yesterday evening, I got to see liam and it made me smile. Hes crazy like a coconut. Also gossip, his infatuation with ruth has transferred to nina. He told me he's in love with her, and has sent her texts telling her that...
I've not been looking my best the past few weeks, In all honesty I look like shit dragged through shit, keeping up appearance has taken a bit of a back seat. It doesn't really seem worth making any effort. It hasn't really bothered me because frankly I've got more important things on my mind than what I look like. last night however, i felt disgusting. Seeing everybody dressed up in their gladrags made me realise what I've become. I wore the same clothes I've worn since monday: rolled up art jeans, white tee and grey cardigan, none of which were ironed. I also had on my battered old air force ones and khaki neckscarf. I caught myself in the mirror in the toilet and my face looks so worn down. It has an air of complete resignation about it coupled with blood red insomnia eyes. I honestly wanted to cry. I need to start taking more pride in myself I really do, not just for her. My self worth has hit rock bottom
I think houseparties should stay in the past, theres a reason we just go to the pub now.
Also, rather than helping me loosen up a little as I hoped it would, drink reduced me to an emotional mess of a man. There really is not one redeeming feature about last night, but when I was there I knew that the only way I would enjoy this party, is if she was there with me. That would mean I'd get to wake up next to her and see how pretty she is the next morning.
I'm going for a drive today because I feel like one. I'm not sure really where I want to go but I've got my toothbrush and some money. I just really want to escape from everything for a little while, because being at home has failed me in not achieving that. Everything and everyone is my Char. I want to be somewhere completely isolated from all the memories of her that bombard me and cause me pain. I don't know if such a place exists but hopefully setting the satnav to somewhere random will prevail.
On the upside of yesterday evening, I got to see liam and it made me smile. Hes crazy like a coconut. Also gossip, his infatuation with ruth has transferred to nina. He told me he's in love with her, and has sent her texts telling her that...
Friday, 22 February 2008
What became of the likely lad.
Today has not been a good day.
I woke early and packed all the things I needed to in a box, taped it up and labelled it as indistuinshably as I could (to avoid it being swiped). I got as far as whyteleafe.
I've never felt such fear in my life. I had to park in the travel lodge and calm myself with half of my ten deck before I could even breathe properly and the shakes eased. I don't know exactly what it was that made it happen, but it overwhelmed me in a way that terrifies me. It felt like that time at clapham junction last summer when I keeled over and couldnt move but this ran through my whole body like 50,000 volts. It came suddenly, as soon as I passed the BP garage. I don't know wether it was the growing intensity of memories as I came nearer and nearer oxted, or the crippling shame/ fear of further dejection. Most of all I think it was the sudden realisation that I'm a cunt, who will never deserve her. I just hope that one day she knows that the truth is now the truth. I love her so much.
I can never go back to oxted.
On the upside I went to the barbers to shave my head down properly, but had to go really short to cancel out the patches; so while I no longer look like I have leukemia, I do resemble the brown wing of the British Nationalist Party. And it cost me a tenner.
I also took mum in the car this afternoon to buy a digital camera, she wants to enter the 21st century like the rest of us. Took an hour and a half and 4 massive stores but she settled on a black 12 megapixel samsung with 10x optical zoom. I'm very jealous, it is very sexy and far too advanced for taking pictures of us cutting the cake on birthdays.
Its really tempting to message Corrina again today to ask her to message Char and make a further fool of myself, i must look like a complete tit coming out of the blue and laying all this on her, but I really dont think that Char believes anything, I don't blame her. She says she believes me but I think she is saying that for the sake of equilibrium, and harbouring resent for me instead. I refuse to suffer for crimes I havent commited on top of the ones that I have, its not fair. Katie Orrock needs to die, her and the rest of her misfit singing ensemble. Less Pussycat Dolls more Topkat on crack.
Josh, Liam and cris have invited me to a houseparty tonight in wallington, Its a girls that they met at another party last week. I think I'll pass though, the concept reminds me too much of being in year 10 and inviting myself to houseparties where I knew i wouldnt know anybody except the persons I tagged along with. Add to that, I hardly think I'm going to be good company, and I've got far more important things to concentrate on.
I hear on the news that they caught Sally-Anne Bowmans killer (the croydon girl stabbed on her way home from tiger tiger last year), apparently it was the pub chef and not her boyfriend. I'm happy for her family in that they can finally have some closure on their daughters life. I don't know them obviously but when its this close to home and not 'ghetto' related it hits hard.
Dinnertime.
I woke early and packed all the things I needed to in a box, taped it up and labelled it as indistuinshably as I could (to avoid it being swiped). I got as far as whyteleafe.
I've never felt such fear in my life. I had to park in the travel lodge and calm myself with half of my ten deck before I could even breathe properly and the shakes eased. I don't know exactly what it was that made it happen, but it overwhelmed me in a way that terrifies me. It felt like that time at clapham junction last summer when I keeled over and couldnt move but this ran through my whole body like 50,000 volts. It came suddenly, as soon as I passed the BP garage. I don't know wether it was the growing intensity of memories as I came nearer and nearer oxted, or the crippling shame/ fear of further dejection. Most of all I think it was the sudden realisation that I'm a cunt, who will never deserve her. I just hope that one day she knows that the truth is now the truth. I love her so much.
I can never go back to oxted.
On the upside I went to the barbers to shave my head down properly, but had to go really short to cancel out the patches; so while I no longer look like I have leukemia, I do resemble the brown wing of the British Nationalist Party. And it cost me a tenner.
I also took mum in the car this afternoon to buy a digital camera, she wants to enter the 21st century like the rest of us. Took an hour and a half and 4 massive stores but she settled on a black 12 megapixel samsung with 10x optical zoom. I'm very jealous, it is very sexy and far too advanced for taking pictures of us cutting the cake on birthdays.
Its really tempting to message Corrina again today to ask her to message Char and make a further fool of myself, i must look like a complete tit coming out of the blue and laying all this on her, but I really dont think that Char believes anything, I don't blame her. She says she believes me but I think she is saying that for the sake of equilibrium, and harbouring resent for me instead. I refuse to suffer for crimes I havent commited on top of the ones that I have, its not fair. Katie Orrock needs to die, her and the rest of her misfit singing ensemble. Less Pussycat Dolls more Topkat on crack.
Josh, Liam and cris have invited me to a houseparty tonight in wallington, Its a girls that they met at another party last week. I think I'll pass though, the concept reminds me too much of being in year 10 and inviting myself to houseparties where I knew i wouldnt know anybody except the persons I tagged along with. Add to that, I hardly think I'm going to be good company, and I've got far more important things to concentrate on.
I hear on the news that they caught Sally-Anne Bowmans killer (the croydon girl stabbed on her way home from tiger tiger last year), apparently it was the pub chef and not her boyfriend. I'm happy for her family in that they can finally have some closure on their daughters life. I don't know them obviously but when its this close to home and not 'ghetto' related it hits hard.
Dinnertime.
Thursday, 21 February 2008
Bittersweet regrets.
I saw the sparkle in her eye,
the one that I hold dear,
I long to to see that sparkle now,
she takes away my fear.
What once was real has gone away,
and left but a shell,
my darling grew tired of me,
how the great have fell.
I saw the sparkle in her eye,
the one that I hold dear,
I long to see that sparkle now,
but i fucked a geordie and ruined it.
I long to to see that sparkle now,
she takes away my fear.
What once was real has gone away,
and left but a shell,
my darling grew tired of me,
how the great have fell.
I saw the sparkle in her eye,
the one that I hold dear,
I long to see that sparkle now,
but i fucked a geordie and ruined it.
The boy who cried innocence.
I don't know what to do. I feel more helpless than ever, and now for a completely new reason.
Something somebody has said has cemented this idea that i cheated on Char with Corrina (A friend of a friend I used to know years ago). Nothing I can say can prove that I didn't, and its infuriating. For the first time in my life I'm free of lies, but the truth isn't believed either. I don't know whats made her so certain that its true, i wish I knew because I could disprove that rather than bombarding her with other proof that means nothing to her.
I've tried it all, giving reasons why its an impossible concept, getting corrina to tell her, letting her ask whoever she wants, showing her a conversation i've had with corrina begging her to message char. (Which ironically is also being called lies).
Is this a lost cause?
Something somebody has said has cemented this idea that i cheated on Char with Corrina (A friend of a friend I used to know years ago). Nothing I can say can prove that I didn't, and its infuriating. For the first time in my life I'm free of lies, but the truth isn't believed either. I don't know whats made her so certain that its true, i wish I knew because I could disprove that rather than bombarding her with other proof that means nothing to her.
I've tried it all, giving reasons why its an impossible concept, getting corrina to tell her, letting her ask whoever she wants, showing her a conversation i've had with corrina begging her to message char. (Which ironically is also being called lies).
Is this a lost cause?
Lies and retribution.
I've just woken up. Which is unfortunate because I had until 2 'o clock to leave what I needed to at Char's door. Fuck my phone and fuck the battery running out. I had one thing to do and I fucked it up because my phone ran out of batteries and the alarm didn't go off. Thats fan-fucking-tastic.
Last night was eventful. Charlotte rang me and we had a conversation almost as if none of this had ever happened, and we were still very much in love (with only occasional abuse). It was seemingly perfect. We both acknowledged it was weird, and deep down i knew it was but a facade. I miss her as my best friend almost as much as I miss her as my lover. Just having meaningless banter with her makes my heart smile.
Then she came online. Conversation continued for a while and I had a smile on my face because for the first time in a long time we were being civil and it made my heart race! Then of course, the inevitable happened and things took a sinister turn.
It seems Char was also talking to Katie Orrock, the one person who hates me more than any other person in the world. I deserve everything that I have coming to me but I don't think I deserve what she did last night.
I can understand that katie will want to punish me for what I did to her, I deserve that, but she is using Charlotte as a tool to do that and it makes me sick. I sent her an email, it said 'Please katie, leave Char alone and stop making things up to get back at me, its not fair on her shes already been through so much'. I didn't get a reply.
It seems katie is smarter than I once thought, either that or intuitively vindictive. Shes stumbled on the perfect crime, echoing my own.
I told katie so many lies, so many exasperations of the truth that even i don't remember them all, but more often in not they were based around some sort of truth. Things are easier to lie about when they are believable. She's taken it upon herself to make up her own lies now, loosely based around truth. Shes realised that when there is truth within a lie, people believe whatever you tell them, especially when the person being accused is a proven liar and can't dispute the root facts.
I'm trying so hard to be a better man, to be open, honest and mature. I'm trying so fucking hard but I've lied so much in the past that now I really need for what I say to be taken on board, nobody believes me.
I wish I had had a threesome. at least then I'd be awesome.
Last night was eventful. Charlotte rang me and we had a conversation almost as if none of this had ever happened, and we were still very much in love (with only occasional abuse). It was seemingly perfect. We both acknowledged it was weird, and deep down i knew it was but a facade. I miss her as my best friend almost as much as I miss her as my lover. Just having meaningless banter with her makes my heart smile.
Then she came online. Conversation continued for a while and I had a smile on my face because for the first time in a long time we were being civil and it made my heart race! Then of course, the inevitable happened and things took a sinister turn.
It seems Char was also talking to Katie Orrock, the one person who hates me more than any other person in the world. I deserve everything that I have coming to me but I don't think I deserve what she did last night.
I can understand that katie will want to punish me for what I did to her, I deserve that, but she is using Charlotte as a tool to do that and it makes me sick. I sent her an email, it said 'Please katie, leave Char alone and stop making things up to get back at me, its not fair on her shes already been through so much'. I didn't get a reply.
It seems katie is smarter than I once thought, either that or intuitively vindictive. Shes stumbled on the perfect crime, echoing my own.
I told katie so many lies, so many exasperations of the truth that even i don't remember them all, but more often in not they were based around some sort of truth. Things are easier to lie about when they are believable. She's taken it upon herself to make up her own lies now, loosely based around truth. Shes realised that when there is truth within a lie, people believe whatever you tell them, especially when the person being accused is a proven liar and can't dispute the root facts.
I'm trying so hard to be a better man, to be open, honest and mature. I'm trying so fucking hard but I've lied so much in the past that now I really need for what I say to be taken on board, nobody believes me.
I wish I had had a threesome. at least then I'd be awesome.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
We'll take our precious time about it.
Arrived home a few hours ago, parentals are mostly pleased to see me bu t they made sure they made me feel a little worse about what I did. I'm glad to be home though because everything has a reassuring familiarity, unlike the cold segregation from reality that is my room at uni.
I got mum to shave my head down because it was getting a bit less dapper looking. Except apparently she has no concept of 'apply equal pressure all the way around the head'. I now look like a cancer patient. Theres less patches in a quilt, honestly. Here's to clever headgear.
She called me, and we're going over everything again.
I can't change the past no matter how many times we address it, regardless of how much I wish I could. I'm so frustrated at myself, my memory is shit, the times i spent with katie and my whole first term at uni is a blur in my mind. My inability to recall with swiss precision is being constrewed as lying. I wish i could tell her every detail with sparkling clarity, so that I can be as open as I so desperately want to be, but the truth is I just don't remember. I'm so frustrated at myself.
This is what neither of us wanted. Why am I so weak? I couldn't even make it one day.
She'll regret calling me soon because its made everything fresh again. I'm starting to lose my belief in the omnipotence of unconditional love. Maybe love isn't enough to conquer all? Maybe she will hate me for the rest of my life? Maybe I will too.
The newsagents didn't have golden virginia so I settled for cutters choice. Its like smoking an old mans bumcrack. Ugh.
I got mum to shave my head down because it was getting a bit less dapper looking. Except apparently she has no concept of 'apply equal pressure all the way around the head'. I now look like a cancer patient. Theres less patches in a quilt, honestly. Here's to clever headgear.
She called me, and we're going over everything again.
I can't change the past no matter how many times we address it, regardless of how much I wish I could. I'm so frustrated at myself, my memory is shit, the times i spent with katie and my whole first term at uni is a blur in my mind. My inability to recall with swiss precision is being constrewed as lying. I wish i could tell her every detail with sparkling clarity, so that I can be as open as I so desperately want to be, but the truth is I just don't remember. I'm so frustrated at myself.
This is what neither of us wanted. Why am I so weak? I couldn't even make it one day.
She'll regret calling me soon because its made everything fresh again. I'm starting to lose my belief in the omnipotence of unconditional love. Maybe love isn't enough to conquer all? Maybe she will hate me for the rest of my life? Maybe I will too.
The newsagents didn't have golden virginia so I settled for cutters choice. Its like smoking an old mans bumcrack. Ugh.
Armrests, a war of attrition.
So I'm on the train, finally, and amazed by the novelty of having the internet on a train. I toyed with not coming for hours this morning and by the time I decided i would get the train I had half an hour in which to pack and make it to the station. Running with a trolley, a rucksack and a guitar with 20-a-day lungs and only a cheese sandwich 2 and a half days ago for energy was agony.
I made it with a few seconds to spare. The train of course, didn't get there for another 45 minutes. The joys of heinsight. The reward however was a phonecall from Char. Hearing me out of breath she knew instantly that i'd nearly missed the train haha. I love knowing she reads me like a book.
She's unsettled by the finality of last nights discussions, as am I, but i have buried my fears of dejection and pain for the greater good of letting Char be happy, which i so desperately want. My selfishness up until now has been crippling for any progress she could make and I feel terrible about it.
Knowing that she too despises the finality of our situation is comforting, not only for my craving for her to be even a small part of my life, but in that we share a common goal. Neither of us want the other to forget, but both of us know that my refusal to leave her be is detremental to progress.
She says that I can text her every now and again, to let her know how I am. Its hard though for me to know what is crossing the line under that instruction, when can I text? what can i text? how often?
My desire isn't to force upon her declarations of progress (or lack of) in texts or messages, which I know I have been doing for the past few weeks as a desperate act, that being the only medium in which i can communicate with her. My desire is that one day she will want to know how I am, just as I wonder where she is and what she's doing, and wether she is happy or not.
Thats why I gave her the address to this journal, so that I wouldnt have to force myself on her, that she could check up on me when she is curious, or cares, and so that ultimately I could realistically leave her alone.
Then Char said to me that she also hates the finality, because what if maybe one day she wants to tell me how she is, or what she is doing. This struck with me, not once have I thought that maybe one day she would want to contact me with news, rather than just hear about me or me pester her for updates on her life. I didn't think she saw herself maybe one day caring enough to want me to have that priveledge.
I guess i was wrong. Thats something to smile about! And something to cement my determination to succeed in the changes happening in my life. I want to deserve it, and I want it to make her happy.
So here I am. Sat in her seat. Doing her journey, ironically wearing her jumper (unintentionally may I add); but something inside me has a hope for the future that I lacked up until today. A hope for equilibrium.
I made it with a few seconds to spare. The train of course, didn't get there for another 45 minutes. The joys of heinsight. The reward however was a phonecall from Char. Hearing me out of breath she knew instantly that i'd nearly missed the train haha. I love knowing she reads me like a book.
She's unsettled by the finality of last nights discussions, as am I, but i have buried my fears of dejection and pain for the greater good of letting Char be happy, which i so desperately want. My selfishness up until now has been crippling for any progress she could make and I feel terrible about it.
Knowing that she too despises the finality of our situation is comforting, not only for my craving for her to be even a small part of my life, but in that we share a common goal. Neither of us want the other to forget, but both of us know that my refusal to leave her be is detremental to progress.
She says that I can text her every now and again, to let her know how I am. Its hard though for me to know what is crossing the line under that instruction, when can I text? what can i text? how often?
My desire isn't to force upon her declarations of progress (or lack of) in texts or messages, which I know I have been doing for the past few weeks as a desperate act, that being the only medium in which i can communicate with her. My desire is that one day she will want to know how I am, just as I wonder where she is and what she's doing, and wether she is happy or not.
Thats why I gave her the address to this journal, so that I wouldnt have to force myself on her, that she could check up on me when she is curious, or cares, and so that ultimately I could realistically leave her alone.
Then Char said to me that she also hates the finality, because what if maybe one day she wants to tell me how she is, or what she is doing. This struck with me, not once have I thought that maybe one day she would want to contact me with news, rather than just hear about me or me pester her for updates on her life. I didn't think she saw herself maybe one day caring enough to want me to have that priveledge.
I guess i was wrong. Thats something to smile about! And something to cement my determination to succeed in the changes happening in my life. I want to deserve it, and I want it to make her happy.
So here I am. Sat in her seat. Doing her journey, ironically wearing her jumper (unintentionally may I add); but something inside me has a hope for the future that I lacked up until today. A hope for equilibrium.
Take me home country roads.
Still lying in bed, because although I should be excited about going home to London today I can't bring myself to get ready. The idea of sitting in her seat, making her journey sickens me. Every second of the train ride is going to serve as a reminder of what the last few days should have been.
She should be lying next to me right now, snatching a last few precious moments together. I wonder where she is and what she's doing. Instead I have Eamoln Holmes and a full ashtray.
We had a bit of a breakthrough last night in terms of meeting needs. Hearing from her, even to reiterate her disgust at what I've done makes me so happy, because it means she's not forgot about me, which i can't afford for her to do.
However, it cemented in my mind my greatest need is that I need for her to be happy and I need for what I did to her to not hurt her anymore. She's showed so much restraint and i admire her strength but my need for a link hinders progress. When I'm honest with myself its because I feel so helpless. I need so desperately to show her how commited I am to being the one she deserves, but me being me I can't just step back because it leaves me feeling nonpro-active (is that a word?) even though I know leaving her alone is the only way I can let her be happy. Love consumes me. If I'm doing nothing I'm trivialising how perfect I know we could be.
I know I can show my love with my actions in time, and with the changes I make in my life and I'm excited to be that person, but its a marathon not a race. There are a lot of things that need to change.
I'm not going to have counselling until I get back to Newcastle in a weeks time so thats going to be interesting, to see how I get on without her holding my hand. Hopefully it will strengthen me and further ingrain my commitment to bettering myself.
I can't wait to see my mum. Its been three weeks since I lost char, and I really need a hug. I expect Char's had lots from her mum and friends. People here won't even look me in the eye. Its funny how quickly those who you consider to be friends can turn their back on you with the right manipulation, at your time of greatest need. How I despise Emma and her infalliable indoctrination.
Camp America rang me this morning, they need payment by the end of this week so thats going to be a bit of a struggle but it should be ok. The guy said that male applicants almost always get places because theres a shortage. I can't wait. I've put off my ambitions for so long, I'm so happy its finally happening, and that all thats happened has given me the kick up the arse I needed to sort it out.
I realised earlier that I've eaten only a cheese sandwich in the last 2 and a half days. Worrying stuff. It seems fucking off your flatmates and having to stay in your room rather than be able to eat is a good way of losing weight.
Time to pack and prepare. Ugh.
She should be lying next to me right now, snatching a last few precious moments together. I wonder where she is and what she's doing. Instead I have Eamoln Holmes and a full ashtray.
We had a bit of a breakthrough last night in terms of meeting needs. Hearing from her, even to reiterate her disgust at what I've done makes me so happy, because it means she's not forgot about me, which i can't afford for her to do.
However, it cemented in my mind my greatest need is that I need for her to be happy and I need for what I did to her to not hurt her anymore. She's showed so much restraint and i admire her strength but my need for a link hinders progress. When I'm honest with myself its because I feel so helpless. I need so desperately to show her how commited I am to being the one she deserves, but me being me I can't just step back because it leaves me feeling nonpro-active (is that a word?) even though I know leaving her alone is the only way I can let her be happy. Love consumes me. If I'm doing nothing I'm trivialising how perfect I know we could be.
I know I can show my love with my actions in time, and with the changes I make in my life and I'm excited to be that person, but its a marathon not a race. There are a lot of things that need to change.
I'm not going to have counselling until I get back to Newcastle in a weeks time so thats going to be interesting, to see how I get on without her holding my hand. Hopefully it will strengthen me and further ingrain my commitment to bettering myself.
I can't wait to see my mum. Its been three weeks since I lost char, and I really need a hug. I expect Char's had lots from her mum and friends. People here won't even look me in the eye. Its funny how quickly those who you consider to be friends can turn their back on you with the right manipulation, at your time of greatest need. How I despise Emma and her infalliable indoctrination.
Camp America rang me this morning, they need payment by the end of this week so thats going to be a bit of a struggle but it should be ok. The guy said that male applicants almost always get places because theres a shortage. I can't wait. I've put off my ambitions for so long, I'm so happy its finally happening, and that all thats happened has given me the kick up the arse I needed to sort it out.
I realised earlier that I've eaten only a cheese sandwich in the last 2 and a half days. Worrying stuff. It seems fucking off your flatmates and having to stay in your room rather than be able to eat is a good way of losing weight.
Time to pack and prepare. Ugh.
Genesis.
The start of something beautiful?
I hope so. I need so.
Heres to the future and the depths of its mystery.
Heres to happiness and the depths of its escape.
I hope so. I need so.
Heres to the future and the depths of its mystery.
Heres to happiness and the depths of its escape.
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