I've completely come undone.

Boys don't cry.

my last entry and the last of me.

Thank you for everything you have done for me my love. You've shown me a life so beautiful it inspires me to be everything that you needed me to be. Thank you for being there for me whenever I've needed your love, and there for me when I just needed to smile, thank you for being the person I can think about when everything is too much, and know everything is going to be ok because you loved me too. I hope that I sometimes made you smile too.

I wish we could fix us, I still believe we can, it's Pascal and Char :), but I can't expect you to burden yourself with my inadequacies anymore and thats ok too.

I'm going to be perfect. x I love you always, you'll always be my guardian angel.



Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Back on home soil. I rang mam when I landed at heathrow because I hadn't told her what day I was coming back I don't think she was happy about being woken up at 8.25. I said that i wanted to come home until Thursday to which she responded "Don't bother, you're only wasting my time and yours".....charming. Anyway, 3 hour delay on the M1 we've only just arrived its just gone seven o clock. I'm very very tired!

A week later and here i am again, sat in the same spot on my bed, with my laptop on my chest, watching the same crappy tv shows. Joy of all joys. The difference today however is I've realised three truths in the last week. The inevitable self reflection in solitude away from everything has been both refreshing and condemning. While completely detatched from anything to do with anything, my mind would always wander back to my worries every few minutes, seconds.

Walking around New York (especially Brooklyn and Williamsburg) on my todd, I couldn't help but keep imagining how beautiful it would be to have Charlottes hand in mine, experiencing these wonderful things as much as I imagine she would. I found myself losing my grip on reality within dreamworlds where me and Char have the life we always imagined before all of this car crash of a mistake. I daydreamed whole scenarios and lives for us, even down to what kind of apartment we would live in and which jobs we'd take on before I caught myself dreaming and settled back into remorse.

She works with kids in a community project and I sell my illustrations from home, just enough to cover our rent and a humble bohemian lifestyle. We'd only live there for a year or so, to experience life somewhere else before we commit ourselves to our careers, and then one day our family together back home, or maybe we just go live somewhere else! who knows :)

Yeah, I creep myself out too but for those few special moments my heart is complete.

I heard something today that made me contemplate the validity of my plight before cementing it. It was a lady speaking on love vs. prenuptual contracts:

"when you close your eyes and try to imagine spending the rest of your life without that one person, and tears run down your face because the notion shakes every part of you, you don't need a prenup."

tears scream across my face every night and every morning. Obviously the part about a prenup is irrelevant but the statement of love is so true. Thats how I know I love Charlotte with everything I have to give. I don't deserve her, and I inevitably turn everything beautiful in my life to shit because I'm a self centred bastard, but by fuck do I love that girl.

Bigfronting.

I'm in the apple store adjacent to central park. I've spent the day on my own getting some last shreds of the big apple before we have to leave this afternoon. I left the hotel with 46 cents and I haven't spent any yet. Of course thats meant walking a good 35 blocks on an empty stomach seeing as I can afford neither the subway or food, but I'm in high spirits after yesterdays encounter. I had a little tear earlier when i woke up, but I'm ok now. Paddy asked what was wrong and I told him I had cramp...idiot.

I just ran into gay dave, he's just been into bloomingdales which is where i'm going next. He said he's had enough of shopping with girls. I've had enough of the abomination of culture that is Paddy, Ally, Ricky, Keith and the girls, so I guess we have something in common. Its nice to be on your own.

Today so far I'v e been to the ny public library, macy's, nba, prada, burberry, gucci, tiffany's, yves saint lauren, pucci, niketown, balenciaga and a few others I can't really remember. I'm off to central park after Bloomingdales seeing as I haven't been there yet.

Well, I've done vintage stores and explored the alternative scene all week, I guess I decided I should just be a tourist.

Goodbye NY.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Packing now, its 10.25 monday morning, we leave tonight. I have until 11 to have all my stuff cleared out of this room but lethargy consumes me. Leaving this room means commiting myself to another day of same old same fucking old. Different shops same name, same disgusting prices, same uncultured halfwits.

It reminds me of when I used to think I was ghetto, and there were strict guidelines as to what you could wear. It had to be certain brands, almost like a uniform. This is the same just under a different guise, and yet they look down on the common youth because their clothes cost 20 times as much. Halfwits, have some individuality.

Of course, now more than ever I can't really preach about individuality, I have neither a personality or a soul. Those words last night cut deeper than anything shes said to me so far, but I deserve it, and maybe its true.

For the record, Pascal in seventy years time, 'her' is Charlotte 'love of my fucking life' Sorensen, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, because maybe she's holding your hand while you read this....I hope so, God willing.

No time to blog now, will speak when I get home.

In the city that never sleeps.

Been in New York since yesterday night. (its a quarter past 7 in the evening on wednesday here). 8 hours on a coach, few hours at heathrow, 7 hours on a plane, 3 hour queue at JFK, another hour on a coach.

I'm supposed to be being cheered up by this?

Today me Ricky, Ally, Paddy and Keith spent the day tracking down a few shops that they seemed to be obsessed with finding. Big name rare designer wear, exclusive trainers etc etc. I'll pass on 85 dollar socks thanks. I bought two tshirts from a vintage thrift store I found in downtown Noho. They cost 12 dollars each and I'm well happy with them. One is from 1982 and the other is mid 70s.

Its funny though, that thousands of miles away from home, and every distraction that New York has to offer, and all I can think about bar a few seconds every now and again is when I can come back to the hotel and spend my time alone, with you, my outlet. Everything is still her. Every face, every word, every picture, every song. I love her so much, I'm starting to doubt my sanity. It must be impossible to be in sound mind and hurt so much for somebody, and to obsess over them in the way that I am.

The others are downstairs in the lobby on the computers working out a route for tommorow to get to some store opening. None of them brought their laptops with them so they're paying 5 dollars an hour. Idiots.

New York is amazing though, and I'm pretty sure I want to do my year abroad here. I can see myself living here and people aren't nearly as mean as tv has made out. Charlotte would love it here I keep seeing things that I wish I could show her and we could share! I'm thinking about buying her a present, but I don't know if that will do more harm than good... I don't want a repeat of my attempted drop off last week.

I'm off to finish some sketches. Speak soon.

You only get one life, Pascal.

Sleepless night, of all nights. I need to stop loving her.

I'm instigating my own demise every second that I obsess.

Lessons in two hours.

Train wreck.

I just wanted a nice goodbye char. I just wanted you to tell me that you wanted me to succeed.

I just wanted you to want me to be happy too, I trusted in your empathy.

I needed it to make a start.

What start can I make now.

Emotional blackmail? What a fucking joke. You don't understand.

Gin and milk.

Packing is done for tomorrow, just need to put the last things in at the last minute, toothbrush/razor etc. Got my passport and wallet laid out on my desk ready.

Looking at my trolley and everything its pulsing through my mind that I don't want to go. Its going to be awful. The very last thing I can imagine wanting to do right now in my life is being out of the country for a week. , especially with people that barely acknowledge my existence. I'm trying so fucking hard with them is it that hard to not dick on me for 5 minutes. On top of everything I only have 150 quid to last me the 6 days, around 300 dollars. Everybody else is bringing close to a grand. Its because this bastard bursary didn't come through yet, I went and talked to the people this week and they said there was a problem with mine so I won't get it till the 7th. Fuckload of use it is then isn't it lady, after having watched everybody else spend theirs. Fucks sake.

I sent char an email asking her to call me before I leave. I hope she isnt offended by it or gets angry about it. I just really want to speak to her before I go. Its hard enough not speaking to her while I'm here, but going out of the country I just want to hear her voice before I leave, God forbid anythign happen to me.

I've also just doen a massive tidy up of my room. It is brand spanking. I could eat my dinner off the floor (if I had any dinner that is). I figure its always really depressing when I've been away from Newcastle and I come back to a horrible looking room. Messy house, messy life, as the saying goes. When I come back I want to be completely focused on achieveing all the goals I've set myself without obstruction. I watched Run Fatboy Run last night and the lien that stuck with me was Simon Pegg speaking to his son:

"When you meet problems in life son, no matter how hard they are, you don't just run away from them, because while it might make you feel better, your not actually helping anything. No matter how hard the problem is you stick at it and you commit yourself to solving it. There's always a solution."

My problem is how fucked up I've become in the last year and what it cost me, and the solution...well I don't know what that is yet but I'm trying.

A year since char and I broke up. Mothers day 2007. What an awful day. It pales in comparison to the pain I've suffered since though. all my own doing of course. What a prat I am.

Reflecting on the last year is tough, twice I've felt the lowest I've ever felt. You can't explain to somebody the feeling of helplessness that consumes your mind as you contemplate taking your own life unless they've felt it too. I never want to be there again.

Songs of frustration.

I've lost it. I just smashed the neck of my les paul over my bedside table. Thats a 400 pound guitar that I've just obliterated.

Because I couldnt find the picture.

I've found it now it'd slipped down the side of my matress.

Whats happening to me.

I need vodka. I'm shaking like fuck , out of breath and my face is tearstained.

If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden thats bursting into life.

Songs of freedom.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Today I had a bad turn. A very bad turn. I want to go home.

I don't know how much I have left to give. I miss her so much. It cripples me. It screams through my veins and in my eyes. Every second of every minute I crave her voice, and her touch. Please God, bring my charlotte back to me? I won't let you down.

Conjure up some power, and fuck with their minds.

SOMETIMES I WANT TO RIP MY OWN EYES OUT JUST SO I DONT HAVE TO LOOK AT MYSELF ANYMORE.

I got out of bed just to blog that. Going back to sleep now.

Revelations.

Today has been really unproductive. My mood has been erratic.

I overslept because I left the headphones plugged into my laptop so I missed pattern cutting and my counselling appointment. I woke up naturally at 1pm and knew there was something wrong because there was light outside the window. I laid in bed and contemplated my situation for around half an hour but my thoughts inevitably turned to my love, hundreds of miles from where I am but right next to me in my mind. Its been days since we spoke last and i miss her so much. Its hard to concentrate on achieving positive goals when the reason behind them isn't there focusing my mind. Up until now it has been the little picture in her facebook but now that has gone I have nothing but a question mark and a name mocking me and spitting on my dreams.

I got up and made the mistake of succumbing to my curiosity and turning on my skype phone. Mistake. The wallpaper made me cry. I had forgotten about these pictures, taken when we got our phones. We had just had a chat and I was so desperate to make things work. I had promised myself that night again that I would never see katie again, but obviously I lost sight pretty quickly. We were so full of hope that night. The phones were an attempt in my mind to make sure of my promises, an act of commitment.

A few tears and the contents of my stomach were the extent of that low. Its become routine now. At least theres structure within the madness.

I spent the next hour trying to write a song called One-oh-Nine. Its a cool sounding song, pokes fun at the Coydon yoof. It cheered me up somewhat singing it. Ive found in the last few days that writing songs that aren't about her provide an escapism to the realities of my pain. Temporary of course, because the next reminder is only a few hours, minutes, seconds away.

It came in the form of turning on my ipod, which hasn't been used in over a year. The photo album. The Charlotte folder. Happy days. What I wouldnt do to go back to talk to myself a year ago today, to have a quiet word with the naiive Pascal and order him to hold onto the most beautiful thing in his life, for tomorrow, she won't be there anymore. I'd tell him that I've seen the other side, and i wouldn't wish it on him nor anybody else in the world. I had much to learn.

Tomorrow, mothers day, it will be a year.

The ipod brought me joy aswell as sadness however, i found a few songs that I'd forgotten all about, that have brought me happiness when I've felt down before. Kaya - Chante L'Amour, Jalsa - Joli Ti Dimoune, Blakkayo - L'Apparence. God what I'd do to be in mauritius right now and forget about my pathetic existence.

I got a note under my door a few hours ago from megan. It was an apology for the way she and the others have been to me over the past month. She wants to start afresh. I don't care about that, what I do care about was taht in the letter she'd put that the reason people were being cold to me was because I'd apparently lied about my cheque bouncing for the rent. I swiftly went and blutacked my eviction notice and letter from quay point demanding recooperation of funds to her door.

I got a note back 5 minutes later that said. OMG WE ARE SO SO SO SO SO SORRY.

Doesnt give me back a month of my life you guys made a million times worse does it. cunts.