Thats not my name.

Tomorrow I turn twenty. Twenty years I've spent upon this the blessed earth and twenty years I've sought happiness and value. Happiness that consumes and enlightens me, and value that denotes my worth to those that care about me, and more importantly to those I care about. Let the two not be confused.

The pursuit of happiness is a difficult and obstacle laden road when your as self centred and arrogant as I have proved myself to be time and time again during the short time I've spent chasing it. Every time I get close, I can smell it, brush past it and almost seize it, but it slips away as unexpectedly as it arrived.

What started as a need for self affirmation derived from insecurity has evolved and morphed into an entirely darker side of my otherwise placid state of being. Need for self affirmation leads to an unquenchable thirst for attention, companionship and in particular admirers, regardless of how little you care for them. Admirers boost my sense of ego, my ego fuels my existence and forms a false substitute for the latter of my two goals in life, value. I call them false substitutes because more often than not I've gained them through lies, deceit and premeditated action.

I seek affirmation in every faucet of my life. It happens with my work, in needing to make sure everybody has to know when I've done something praiseworthy, It happens with my family, in having to be the best, or at least better than everyone else.

I catch myself talking down to my parents, as if I am wiser than they are. I catch myself and I feel disgusting because now more than ever I love my parents so very much. So much so that my eyes are welling up as I type this. Its taken me twenty years to realise the value of my god given parents and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They love me very much and I love them too, something I wish I told them more often.

When my own despicable actions caused the world around me to crumble, they were there for me with open arms in spite of what I had done, to comfort me and help me rebuild. I'll never forget the night I spent with tears screaming across my face, unable to move, function or think about anything other than the terrible things that I had done and the beautiful parts of my life that weren’t there anymore. I was shaking, alone, scared and tired. It got to around 6am and I called mum, I couldn't speak through the tears but hearing her voice and her compassion for me made things ok again. She told me that no matter what transgressions I face in my life her and dad would be there for me and would never turn their back. I wanted so badly to have her hold me and make me feel safe. I told her and dad that I loved them on that phone call, something I'd never done before, and something I'd never truly understood until that moment.

Back to admirers. They come and they go but they all serve the same purpose, they make me feel like I am worth something, and they make me feel attractive. From the age of 15 (my first pull) I went through a silly amount, quickly getting bored and moving onto the next, more often than not without telling the last one and just phasing them out or cutting them altogether. The thrill was in the chase not in the actually getting there. I had no physical or emotional attachment to any of them, I just thrived on knowing that they did. Call it masochistic but that’s how it was. That’s where I got my kicks. Singling somebody out, spend a couple weeks sweet talking them. pull them, maybe more, then move on. I grew up doing that.

Along came Charlotte. I fell in love with that girl the first day I met her. Even before I met her when I just cycled past her and tried to look cool. I fell hard. Id never had an emotional attachment to any girl before but she became my world, and she is to this day. We share something truly special that should have been treasured, and nurtured. Her family welcomed me and our lives became interwoven.

But of course, I'm an egotistical cunt. It wasn't good enough that the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with loved and cared for me with everything that she had. Not to mention the fact she was the hottest girl I had ever met. Of course it wasn't good enough and I had to find affirmation elsewhere. I didn't want to be with anybody else, i just wanted that kick, that feeling of worth and attractiveness. I've never thought Charlotte found me physically attractive. I think she thought I was cute, sweet, nice, but never sexually attractive. Its probable that your going to read this at some point Char but we both know its true. I'm not meaning for that to sound like an excuse for what I did though because it’s something I'd long accepted and was fine with.

The need for that kick wasn't conscious thought or premeditated, but it surfaced in the inability to say no, or end it.

Katie Orrock. If it hadn't been her it would have been somebody else, but the name is going to be etched into brain for the rest of my life as the girl that I let ruin what was perfect, and exploit my weaknesses. Her disgustingly whiney voice is going to be etched into my eardrums too.

She started as a poor substitute for Charlotte, quickly evolved into just a fuck, then evolved into my dirty secret. The lies start, the lies grow, the lies consume you, the lies get found out and your left with nothing, as is the life of the egotistical cunt. A cycle I've gone through far too many times.

The mistake I made was not telling Char about Katie in the first place, before we got back together. Because of that blipping of the truth I had to make sure that Katie never contacted Char or vice versa. I realised that when I got back with Char, katie would take issue and kick off if I told her, since I'd fed her a load of bullshit about really liking her and not liking Char anymore. It would blow the fact that it was lies and she was merely a substitute companion and now just a shag. And she'd tell Char.

In essence the lies lead to other lies and it all gets really confusing really quickly and it would have all been fine if I'd just been honest in the first place and not been a twat who needs to get his end away with somebody he cares very little about to feel worth something, regardless of his love for the girl that is his world and would give his left nut for.

What I did with katie was completely detached in my twisted mind to my relationship with my Charlotte. She was a seperate entity and a problem in itself, but nothing to do with Char, I just didn't make that connection. The few months that Char and I were together again were the most beautiful of my life. Her smile lit up my world and everything I did I did for her. I wish I had showed it more with texts and phone calls, but those few months were amazing. It was different to the time we'd spent with each other before in that we were older, and closer. Holding her made me feel a way I'd never felt before, and I noticed things that I love about her that I'd completely missed. While sex with Char was incredible it wasn't that that made me love her, it was the holding hands and the days out and the just staying in. It was admiration for her too. It was the knowing that I would grow old with her and be happy, that the rest of my life would be as joyous and beautiful as the times we were spending together then. Also she has got disgustingly fit.

I've blogged all of this before, or if I haven’t then I've put it in emails to certain people, but typing it now feels different. I feel like I'm recounting in retrospect rather than reliving it. Acceptance is a beautiful thing, and I found it in a police warning. I'd always told Char that if we were ever to break up I would fight for her. I fought hard and I put everything I had into showing her I'd learned and was ready to be perfect. I laid myself bare to the world and suffered pain I would never wish upon anyone. I fought the long fight, but when I was denied the right to fight, it had to end. Acceptance was forced upon me rather than embraced, but I've learned now that life goes on. The fight is now proving my words and promises to her to be true, and no longer is it vying for her approval.

I love my Charlotte very much, and will never forgive myself for the things that I have done to her. I know she is stronger than I am and she has picked herself up and become a better person for what has happened, in spite of the adversity she faced and the hurt that I caused her, but I hope that somewhere, no matter how feint, and even if she doesn’t know it, that she still holds a place for me in her heart.

I think about her every day, I wonder where she is and what she's doing. I wonder if shes happy. I imagine her smiling and then for a few seconds I smile too. Above all I miss my best friend.

I find inspiration in my pictures and memories that I surround myself with.

I still believe in the finality of fate, and I do believe that one day me and Char will be together again. But for now, acceptance and distance is my comfort. Patience is my virtue, and bettering myself is my task.

So tomorrow, twenty years from the day I was placed upon the Earth. Here, on the 16th of May 2008, I promise to nobody other than myself, that I will leave the ways I have lead my life behind me, and devote myself to being, true, honest, and loving to the people that mean the most to me. I promise to be happy in the things and friends god has seen fit to provide me with and not seek affirmation through lies and deceit. I want to earn happiness and love through being an honest man, not an attention seeking child.

Please Pascal, if for nobody else do it for her. I'll see you at forty.

x

I've completely come undone.

Boys don't cry.

my last entry and the last of me.

Thank you for everything you have done for me my love. You've shown me a life so beautiful it inspires me to be everything that you needed me to be. Thank you for being there for me whenever I've needed your love, and there for me when I just needed to smile, thank you for being the person I can think about when everything is too much, and know everything is going to be ok because you loved me too. I hope that I sometimes made you smile too.

I wish we could fix us, I still believe we can, it's Pascal and Char :), but I can't expect you to burden yourself with my inadequacies anymore and thats ok too.

I'm going to be perfect. x I love you always, you'll always be my guardian angel.



Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Every breath we drew was hallelujah.

Back on home soil. I rang mam when I landed at heathrow because I hadn't told her what day I was coming back I don't think she was happy about being woken up at 8.25. I said that i wanted to come home until Thursday to which she responded "Don't bother, you're only wasting my time and yours".....charming. Anyway, 3 hour delay on the M1 we've only just arrived its just gone seven o clock. I'm very very tired!

A week later and here i am again, sat in the same spot on my bed, with my laptop on my chest, watching the same crappy tv shows. Joy of all joys. The difference today however is I've realised three truths in the last week. The inevitable self reflection in solitude away from everything has been both refreshing and condemning. While completely detatched from anything to do with anything, my mind would always wander back to my worries every few minutes, seconds.

Walking around New York (especially Brooklyn and Williamsburg) on my todd, I couldn't help but keep imagining how beautiful it would be to have Charlottes hand in mine, experiencing these wonderful things as much as I imagine she would. I found myself losing my grip on reality within dreamworlds where me and Char have the life we always imagined before all of this car crash of a mistake. I daydreamed whole scenarios and lives for us, even down to what kind of apartment we would live in and which jobs we'd take on before I caught myself dreaming and settled back into remorse.

She works with kids in a community project and I sell my illustrations from home, just enough to cover our rent and a humble bohemian lifestyle. We'd only live there for a year or so, to experience life somewhere else before we commit ourselves to our careers, and then one day our family together back home, or maybe we just go live somewhere else! who knows :)

Yeah, I creep myself out too but for those few special moments my heart is complete.

I heard something today that made me contemplate the validity of my plight before cementing it. It was a lady speaking on love vs. prenuptual contracts:

"when you close your eyes and try to imagine spending the rest of your life without that one person, and tears run down your face because the notion shakes every part of you, you don't need a prenup."

tears scream across my face every night and every morning. Obviously the part about a prenup is irrelevant but the statement of love is so true. Thats how I know I love Charlotte with everything I have to give. I don't deserve her, and I inevitably turn everything beautiful in my life to shit because I'm a self centred bastard, but by fuck do I love that girl.

Bigfronting.

I'm in the apple store adjacent to central park. I've spent the day on my own getting some last shreds of the big apple before we have to leave this afternoon. I left the hotel with 46 cents and I haven't spent any yet. Of course thats meant walking a good 35 blocks on an empty stomach seeing as I can afford neither the subway or food, but I'm in high spirits after yesterdays encounter. I had a little tear earlier when i woke up, but I'm ok now. Paddy asked what was wrong and I told him I had cramp...idiot.

I just ran into gay dave, he's just been into bloomingdales which is where i'm going next. He said he's had enough of shopping with girls. I've had enough of the abomination of culture that is Paddy, Ally, Ricky, Keith and the girls, so I guess we have something in common. Its nice to be on your own.

Today so far I'v e been to the ny public library, macy's, nba, prada, burberry, gucci, tiffany's, yves saint lauren, pucci, niketown, balenciaga and a few others I can't really remember. I'm off to central park after Bloomingdales seeing as I haven't been there yet.

Well, I've done vintage stores and explored the alternative scene all week, I guess I decided I should just be a tourist.

Goodbye NY.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Packing now, its 10.25 monday morning, we leave tonight. I have until 11 to have all my stuff cleared out of this room but lethargy consumes me. Leaving this room means commiting myself to another day of same old same fucking old. Different shops same name, same disgusting prices, same uncultured halfwits.

It reminds me of when I used to think I was ghetto, and there were strict guidelines as to what you could wear. It had to be certain brands, almost like a uniform. This is the same just under a different guise, and yet they look down on the common youth because their clothes cost 20 times as much. Halfwits, have some individuality.

Of course, now more than ever I can't really preach about individuality, I have neither a personality or a soul. Those words last night cut deeper than anything shes said to me so far, but I deserve it, and maybe its true.

For the record, Pascal in seventy years time, 'her' is Charlotte 'love of my fucking life' Sorensen, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, because maybe she's holding your hand while you read this....I hope so, God willing.

No time to blog now, will speak when I get home.

In the city that never sleeps.

Been in New York since yesterday night. (its a quarter past 7 in the evening on wednesday here). 8 hours on a coach, few hours at heathrow, 7 hours on a plane, 3 hour queue at JFK, another hour on a coach.

I'm supposed to be being cheered up by this?

Today me Ricky, Ally, Paddy and Keith spent the day tracking down a few shops that they seemed to be obsessed with finding. Big name rare designer wear, exclusive trainers etc etc. I'll pass on 85 dollar socks thanks. I bought two tshirts from a vintage thrift store I found in downtown Noho. They cost 12 dollars each and I'm well happy with them. One is from 1982 and the other is mid 70s.

Its funny though, that thousands of miles away from home, and every distraction that New York has to offer, and all I can think about bar a few seconds every now and again is when I can come back to the hotel and spend my time alone, with you, my outlet. Everything is still her. Every face, every word, every picture, every song. I love her so much, I'm starting to doubt my sanity. It must be impossible to be in sound mind and hurt so much for somebody, and to obsess over them in the way that I am.

The others are downstairs in the lobby on the computers working out a route for tommorow to get to some store opening. None of them brought their laptops with them so they're paying 5 dollars an hour. Idiots.

New York is amazing though, and I'm pretty sure I want to do my year abroad here. I can see myself living here and people aren't nearly as mean as tv has made out. Charlotte would love it here I keep seeing things that I wish I could show her and we could share! I'm thinking about buying her a present, but I don't know if that will do more harm than good... I don't want a repeat of my attempted drop off last week.

I'm off to finish some sketches. Speak soon.

You only get one life, Pascal.

Sleepless night, of all nights. I need to stop loving her.

I'm instigating my own demise every second that I obsess.

Lessons in two hours.

Train wreck.

I just wanted a nice goodbye char. I just wanted you to tell me that you wanted me to succeed.

I just wanted you to want me to be happy too, I trusted in your empathy.

I needed it to make a start.

What start can I make now.

Emotional blackmail? What a fucking joke. You don't understand.

Gin and milk.

Packing is done for tomorrow, just need to put the last things in at the last minute, toothbrush/razor etc. Got my passport and wallet laid out on my desk ready.

Looking at my trolley and everything its pulsing through my mind that I don't want to go. Its going to be awful. The very last thing I can imagine wanting to do right now in my life is being out of the country for a week. , especially with people that barely acknowledge my existence. I'm trying so fucking hard with them is it that hard to not dick on me for 5 minutes. On top of everything I only have 150 quid to last me the 6 days, around 300 dollars. Everybody else is bringing close to a grand. Its because this bastard bursary didn't come through yet, I went and talked to the people this week and they said there was a problem with mine so I won't get it till the 7th. Fuckload of use it is then isn't it lady, after having watched everybody else spend theirs. Fucks sake.

I sent char an email asking her to call me before I leave. I hope she isnt offended by it or gets angry about it. I just really want to speak to her before I go. Its hard enough not speaking to her while I'm here, but going out of the country I just want to hear her voice before I leave, God forbid anythign happen to me.

I've also just doen a massive tidy up of my room. It is brand spanking. I could eat my dinner off the floor (if I had any dinner that is). I figure its always really depressing when I've been away from Newcastle and I come back to a horrible looking room. Messy house, messy life, as the saying goes. When I come back I want to be completely focused on achieveing all the goals I've set myself without obstruction. I watched Run Fatboy Run last night and the lien that stuck with me was Simon Pegg speaking to his son:

"When you meet problems in life son, no matter how hard they are, you don't just run away from them, because while it might make you feel better, your not actually helping anything. No matter how hard the problem is you stick at it and you commit yourself to solving it. There's always a solution."

My problem is how fucked up I've become in the last year and what it cost me, and the solution...well I don't know what that is yet but I'm trying.

A year since char and I broke up. Mothers day 2007. What an awful day. It pales in comparison to the pain I've suffered since though. all my own doing of course. What a prat I am.

Reflecting on the last year is tough, twice I've felt the lowest I've ever felt. You can't explain to somebody the feeling of helplessness that consumes your mind as you contemplate taking your own life unless they've felt it too. I never want to be there again.

Songs of frustration.

I've lost it. I just smashed the neck of my les paul over my bedside table. Thats a 400 pound guitar that I've just obliterated.

Because I couldnt find the picture.

I've found it now it'd slipped down the side of my matress.

Whats happening to me.

I need vodka. I'm shaking like fuck , out of breath and my face is tearstained.

If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old. Show me a garden thats bursting into life.