The pursuit of happiness is a difficult and obstacle laden road when your as self centred and arrogant as I have proved myself to be time and time again during the short time I've spent chasing it. Every time I get close, I can smell it, brush past it and almost seize it, but it slips away as unexpectedly as it arrived.
What started as a need for self affirmation derived from insecurity has evolved and morphed into an entirely darker side of my otherwise placid state of being. Need for self affirmation leads to an unquenchable thirst for attention, companionship and in particular admirers, regardless of how little you care for them. Admirers boost my sense of ego, my ego fuels my existence and forms a false substitute for the latter of my two goals in life, value. I call them false substitutes because more often than not I've gained them through lies, deceit and premeditated action.
I seek affirmation in every faucet of my life. It happens with my work, in needing to make sure everybody has to know when I've done something praiseworthy, It happens with my family, in having to be the best, or at least better than everyone else.
I catch myself talking down to my parents, as if I am wiser than they are. I catch myself and I feel disgusting because now more than ever I love my parents so very much. So much so that my eyes are welling up as I type this. Its taken me twenty years to realise the value of my god given parents and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They love me very much and I love them too, something I wish I told them more often.
When my own despicable actions caused the world around me to crumble, they were there for me with open arms in spite of what I had done, to comfort me and help me rebuild. I'll never forget the night I spent with tears screaming across my face, unable to move, function or think about anything other than the terrible things that I had done and the beautiful parts of my life that weren’t there anymore. I was shaking, alone, scared and tired. It got to around 6am and I called mum, I couldn't speak through the tears but hearing her voice and her compassion for me made things ok again. She told me that no matter what transgressions I face in my life her and dad would be there for me and would never turn their back. I wanted so badly to have her hold me and make me feel safe. I told her and dad that I loved them on that phone call, something I'd never done before, and something I'd never truly understood until that moment.
Back to admirers. They come and they go but they all serve the same purpose, they make me feel like I am worth something, and they make me feel attractive. From the age of 15 (my first pull) I went through a silly amount, quickly getting bored and moving onto the next, more often than not without telling the last one and just phasing them out or cutting them altogether. The thrill was in the chase not in the actually getting there. I had no physical or emotional attachment to any of them, I just thrived on knowing that they did. Call it masochistic but that’s how it was. That’s where I got my kicks. Singling somebody out, spend a couple weeks sweet talking them. pull them, maybe more, then move on. I grew up doing that.
Along came Charlotte. I fell in love with that girl the first day I met her. Even before I met her when I just cycled past her and tried to look cool. I fell hard. Id never had an emotional attachment to any girl before but she became my world, and she is to this day. We share something truly special that should have been treasured, and nurtured. Her family welcomed me and our lives became interwoven.
But of course, I'm an egotistical cunt. It wasn't good enough that the girl that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with loved and cared for me with everything that she had. Not to mention the fact she was the hottest girl I had ever met. Of course it wasn't good enough and I had to find affirmation elsewhere. I didn't want to be with anybody else, i just wanted that kick, that feeling of worth and attractiveness. I've never thought Charlotte found me physically attractive. I think she thought I was cute, sweet, nice, but never sexually attractive. Its probable that your going to read this at some point Char but we both know its true. I'm not meaning for that to sound like an excuse for what I did though because it’s something I'd long accepted and was fine with.
The need for that kick wasn't conscious thought or premeditated, but it surfaced in the inability to say no, or end it.
Katie Orrock. If it hadn't been her it would have been somebody else, but the name is going to be etched into brain for the rest of my life as the girl that I let ruin what was perfect, and exploit my weaknesses. Her disgustingly whiney voice is going to be etched into my eardrums too.
She started as a poor substitute for Charlotte, quickly evolved into just a fuck, then evolved into my dirty secret. The lies start, the lies grow, the lies consume you, the lies get found out and your left with nothing, as is the life of the egotistical cunt. A cycle I've gone through far too many times.
The mistake I made was not telling Char about Katie in the first place, before we got back together. Because of that blipping of the truth I had to make sure that Katie never contacted Char or vice versa. I realised that when I got back with Char, katie would take issue and kick off if I told her, since I'd fed her a load of bullshit about really liking her and not liking Char anymore. It would blow the fact that it was lies and she was merely a substitute companion and now just a shag. And she'd tell Char.
In essence the lies lead to other lies and it all gets really confusing really quickly and it would have all been fine if I'd just been honest in the first place and not been a twat who needs to get his end away with somebody he cares very little about to feel worth something, regardless of his love for the girl that is his world and would give his left nut for.
What I did with katie was completely detached in my twisted mind to my relationship with my Charlotte. She was a seperate entity and a problem in itself, but nothing to do with Char, I just didn't make that connection. The few months that Char and I were together again were the most beautiful of my life. Her smile lit up my world and everything I did I did for her. I wish I had showed it more with texts and phone calls, but those few months were amazing. It was different to the time we'd spent with each other before in that we were older, and closer. Holding her made me feel a way I'd never felt before, and I noticed things that I love about her that I'd completely missed. While sex with Char was incredible it wasn't that that made me love her, it was the holding hands and the days out and the just staying in. It was admiration for her too. It was the knowing that I would grow old with her and be happy, that the rest of my life would be as joyous and beautiful as the times we were spending together then. Also she has got disgustingly fit.
I've blogged all of this before, or if I haven’t then I've put it in emails to certain people, but typing it now feels different. I feel like I'm recounting in retrospect rather than reliving it. Acceptance is a beautiful thing, and I found it in a police warning. I'd always told Char that if we were ever to break up I would fight for her. I fought hard and I put everything I had into showing her I'd learned and was ready to be perfect. I laid myself bare to the world and suffered pain I would never wish upon anyone. I fought the long fight, but when I was denied the right to fight, it had to end. Acceptance was forced upon me rather than embraced, but I've learned now that life goes on. The fight is now proving my words and promises to her to be true, and no longer is it vying for her approval.
I love my Charlotte very much, and will never forgive myself for the things that I have done to her. I know she is stronger than I am and she has picked herself up and become a better person for what has happened, in spite of the adversity she faced and the hurt that I caused her, but I hope that somewhere, no matter how feint, and even if she doesn’t know it, that she still holds a place for me in her heart.
I think about her every day, I wonder where she is and what she's doing. I wonder if shes happy. I imagine her smiling and then for a few seconds I smile too. Above all I miss my best friend.
I find inspiration in my pictures and memories that I surround myself with.
I still believe in the finality of fate, and I do believe that one day me and Char will be together again. But for now, acceptance and distance is my comfort. Patience is my virtue, and bettering myself is my task.
So tomorrow, twenty years from the day I was placed upon the Earth. Here, on the 16th of May 2008, I promise to nobody other than myself, that I will leave the ways I have lead my life behind me, and devote myself to being, true, honest, and loving to the people that mean the most to me. I promise to be happy in the things and friends god has seen fit to provide me with and not seek affirmation through lies and deceit. I want to earn happiness and love through being an honest man, not an attention seeking child.
Please Pascal, if for nobody else do it for her. I'll see you at forty.
x
